Lately, I’ve Been Forcing Myself Not To Feel

Lately, I’ve been staying away from everything that makes me feel something because I realized that my feelings always get me in trouble. They’re impulsive and irrational and sometimes they leave me in the dark. They leave me lonely. They leave me hurt and wounded.

Lately, I’ve been afraid of my own feelings. I love them but I don’t know if I can trust them anymore after everything they’ve put me through. I need them but I also need my sanity back. I need my heart to heal and my feelings keep getting in the way. They have left me bruised and in pain rather than happy and healthy. They’ve left me scared and confused instead of confident and self-assured.

Lately, I’ve been neglecting my own feelings because every time I follow them, I get lost and every time I think I understand them, they fool me. Lately, I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to infuse color into a dull day or jump out of bed and seize the hell out of it. I don’t know how to run with my emotions and see where they take me. I’m losing the sense of adventure. I’m losing the courage to take risks. I’m playing it safe because the more I gamble on my feelings, the more there is to lose.

Lately, I’ve been silent about things that matter. I stopped telling people what they mean to me. I stopped expressing my feelings so eloquently. I stopped being the one who says it all and throws caution to the wind and lives like there’s no tomorrow because when tomorrow comes, I find myself waking up alone in tears regretting everything my feelings led me to do. Wanting to take it all back. Wishing I could feel nothing at all.

Lately, I stopped befriending my feelings. We used to be so close. We used to be one. I used to defend them and root for them and cheer them on but then I realized that I never win with them. We’re always starting over. We’re always facing problems, not creating solutions. We’re always ten steps behind.

Lately, I’ve given up on my feelings and even though it hurts so much to give up, it hurts, even more, to hold on. I wish there was a way to trust them again. I wish there was a way to love them again. I wish there was a way to follow their fire without getting burnt.

Lately, I’ve been forcing myself not to feel because it’s better than forcing myself to forget the pain they caused me.