When the people who love you are the source of your pain, you’re always torn between wanting to be there for them and wanting to stay away. Wanting to reciprocate their love but also choosing your peace of mind. Trying to be there for them but also protecting yourself from the wave of emotions they drown you in; the memories, the sadness, the heartache and the pain they caused you.
When the people who love you are the source of your pain, you learn how to forgive them but part of you is ready to move on without them. Part of you is ready to start a new chapter without any reminders of a painful past. You’re ready to welcome new people and new energies that show you a new side of yourself. A new side of life. A new side of the world where the people in your life don’t remind you of the tears you’ve cried or the sacrifices you had to make or all the times you suffered paying the price of their mistakes.
When the people who love you are the source of your pain, you always feel guilty because you can’t love them the way they love you. You can’t look at them and not remember what they’ve put you through. You can’t be in the same room with them without feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Sometimes it feels a prison you can’t escape even though you have the key. Sometimes you’re just one decision away from disappearing and starting a new life without them. Sometimes you know that your life is better without them in it but you can’t let them go.
When the people who love you are the source of your pain, your life is exhausting because you’re trying to always balance putting yourself first but trying not to neglect them. You’re trying to find your own happiness but you don’t want to take away their joy. You’re following your heart but you don’t want to break theirs.
The problem is part of you still loves the people who caused you pain; they could be your parents, your old friends, your relatives, your siblings or old lovers who meant so much to you. You know they love you and they would do anything for you but you also know that they’re a big part of your grief and your heartache. They’re the reason behind many years of loneliness, suffering and distress. They made your life harder. They brought you down more than they lifted you up. They represent a time in your life where things were falling apart because of their decisions and their choices.
When the people who love you are the source of your pain, you have to distance yourself until you heal before you can let them back into your life, before you can be around them without feeling like you need to run away, before you can say you love them without feeling like it’s a lie.
You have to heal away from the environment that broke you, you have to mend your broken heart before you can give them a piece of it again. Before you can look at them and see hope and forgiveness rather than pain and resentment.