A Farewell Letter To The Girl I Used To Be

I’ll miss you but I know we need to go our separate ways.

You were so innocent, eyes full of hope, a smile that didn’t expect any tears and a mind full of beautiful fantasies but you were also naive. You were a beautiful fool. You didn’t have enough confidence to believe in yourself and you didn’t think you were capable of being independent and breaking free from your controlling parents. Your dreams were limited and you were always chasing love before trying to love yourself first.

You thought that love meant compromising who you are and being the bigger person all the time. You thought that love meant lying to yourself so you can please your parents or your friends or your significant other. You thought that love meant suppressing your voice, your needs and your feelings. You thought that love was voluntary torture.

You were always afraid. Fearful of crossing the line. Afraid to say what’s on your mind. Worried too much about what people thought of you. Trying to be what everyone else expected you to be and forgetting who you really are. You were always taking ten steps back so people can be ten steps ahead. You got used to being invisible. You thought that was the norm. You didn’t think you deserved the kind of love and attention you gave everyone else.

I’ll miss you because you remind me of the days when it was just easier to conform. Easier to avoid drama. Easier to live a life you didn’t choose. Easier to just follow what everyone is telling you instead of trying to build a life you’re proud of. You didn’t want to go to war so you lost all your battles. 

But you were not realistic. You were not brave. You were not strong. You were always afraid to shine. You were always afraid of challenges.

This is why I had to let you go. This is why I had to start over without you.
Because who I am now is closer to who I want to be. The woman I am becoming is who I should have always been. The woman I’m turning into is everything you weren’t.

The woman I am now is the one I trust to write my story. The one I believe in. The one I can relate to. The one who can give me the best life. The woman I am now is everything you should have been. The woman I am now is fixing what you broke and correcting all your mistakes.

I understand it was hard for you to know what’s right or wrong or who you wanted to be but you settled for years when you could have worked harder. You lost yourself and never tried to find it again. You gave up and expected life to hand you what you wanted on a silver platter but that’s how you starve. 

I don’t hate you and I don’t blame you for being this way either but I don’t think I want you inside me anymore. I don’t think I can be myself when you’re in my head. I don’t think I can feel good about the future if your past is still attached to me.

So thank you for all that you were. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for your innocence. It’s just not the place for you anymore. You don’t belong here with me. I’m chasing a life that would have terrified you. I’m dreaming bigger than your mind would have ever comprehended. I’m learning to love all the parts you hated. I’m saving myself from you.

Maybe I’ll miss you but I don’t want you back.