I still can’t fill your void with work. I work day and night. I worked so hard to do what I love and follow my passion. I dedicated the past few years of my life to my work in hopes I’d finally forget you. In hopes I’d finally learn how to stop thinking about you. How to focus on something much more rewarding. How to evolve and work on myself instead of waiting for you.
But then I realized that you can do all that and still go home feeling empty. I realized you can fill your life with wonderful things and spend every minute of your day distracting yourself but those last few minutes before you go to sleep are the hardest because they remind you that something is still missing.
The void doesn’t go away just because you’re successful. The void doesn’t go away when you focus on yourself. The void only gets bigger when your life gets larger. The void reminds you that the more chaotic your life becomes, the more stability you need. It reminds you that only certain people can fill that void.
I still can’t fill your void with friends. They make me happy. I know I can always count on them. They listen to me when I need them. My life would be so dull without them but I also go home and still feel that void. It’s a like hole that keeps getting deeper and you’re the only one who can get me out of it. My friends do everything you’re not doing but I still can’t help but wonder what it would be like to run to you. To count on you. To hold you. To have you as my main source of comfort. To have you as my best friend.
I still can’t fill your void with self-love. Because I realized it’s important to love yourself but it’s not a prerequisite for someone else to love you.
I realized it’s an important quality to battle loneliness and anxiety but it’s not the cure. You’re the cure. The void makes the battle harder because I’m fighting alone. Because as much as I advocate for self-love, it doesn’t hold my hand when I’m scared. It doesn’t hug me when my tears are falling down. It doesn’t make me smile when I’m tired. It doesn’t make me feel warm when the world gets cold.
So I’m still trying to figure out how to fill that void. I’m still trying to understand what to do to get rid of your void. I’m still trying to find a way to live without feeling the heaviness of that void in my chest every night. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fill your void but I know that your void is still here for a reason. It’s still trying to teach me something. It’s still pushing me to find better ways to fill it.
Maybe your void is still here to teach me that I can survive the worst so I can appreciate the best. Maybe your void is preparing me for the biggest blessing of all. Maybe your void is the hurricane before the rainbow.