Some days, I wish I could call you and talk to you about what’s going on in my life like I did when I was eight. I wish you could understand what I’m going through and I wish you could reassure me that everything will be okay like you used to. When you would tell me that you’ll always be there for me. You will always protect me. I wish you could tell me that no one can ever hurt me when you’re next to me and I wish I still believed it.
I wish I could just tell the whole world that I have nothing to fear because I have you. I used to tell people that you will always make me happy because you promised me you would do that forever. I wish I could still forget the world and come running to you because at one point, that was all I needed. At one point, your love was enough.
I wish I could still call you my number one man. I wish I could still say I want to marry someone like you one day. I wish I could still show you off in front of everyone and tell them how proud I am of you. I wish I never deleted all your pictures. I wish I never stopped making memories with you. I wish I could look at you and love you again because as much as I pretend that your absence doesn’t affect me anymore, something is always missing.
There’s a void I can’t fill with anyone else. I wish I could dig myself out of this grave you left me in. I wish I didn’t know any better. I wish I never knew the truth.
Because I got used to living without you. I got used to counting you out of everything. I got used to not mentioning your name when I talk about love, when I thank those who stood by me and when I count my blessings. I got used to removing your name from all the good things in my life but sometimes I wonder if I’m living without you because I want to or I’m living without you because I have to.
I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if you hadn’t changed. I wonder if I would have been this lost had you guided me better. I wonder if I would have been a little less scared of getting too close to people if you had showed me a different kind of love. A kind of love that stays.
I wonder if I would have been more open and less guarded if loving you hadn’t taught me that the more you love someone, the more power they have to destroy you.
Sometimes I can’t help but dream of the other side. The side in which you and I are still the same and our love hasn’t changed. The side in which I can still talk to you about everything and run to you when I’m scared. The side in which you protect me from everyone else and save me from heartbreak. The side in which your love fills my heart and makes me not look for it anywhere else. The side in which your love sets the bar pretty high and teaches me not to settle instead of me looking for pieces of you in all the wrong places. Instead of me staying away from anyone who reminds me of you. Instead of me having to figure it all out on my own because I can’t count on you.
You brought me into this world yet you’re nowhere to be found in it.