Sometimes I wonder if maybe I didn’t say all the words I should have said. The ones that would have explained to you how I truly felt, how much I needed you and how much you meant to me. Sometimes I wonder if I should have filled my moments of silence with more honest words, more vulnerable words and sometimes I wonder if maybe I didn’t expose myself enough.
Sometimes I wonder if things got harder because I didn’t make them any easier. I was scared of getting hurt so I played it safe. I played it safe so I can move on faster when you leave. I was still guarded no matter how many walls you tore down. I was still scared of opening up and telling you everything or letting you see the parts of me that I don’t show anyone else. I was afraid if you knew my weaknesses and insecurities, you’d hold them against me.
Sometimes I wonder if I spent the whole time trying to make you trust me that I forgot to trust you back. Sometimes I wonder if I was asking for what I wasn’t able to provide.
Maybe I really didn’t do my part as much as I thought I did, maybe I didn’t give my all, maybe I preach about loving too hard but when it came to loving you, I fell short. I backed off. I was afraid of how hard the fall may be. I was afraid of not getting up.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not as fearless as I claim to be because nothing terrifies me more than heartbreak, nothing scares me more than someone loving you one day and deciding not to the next day. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone then they end up being a stranger.
Sometimes I wonder if I can’t find the love I’m looking for because I’m not willing to give it. I’m still not a place where I can love someone without thinking about the consequences. I’m not okay with loving someone who doesn’t love me back. I can’t just wait around. I can’t just fight for someone when I have no armor. I’m not protected. I don’t have the shield that can save me if I ever join the battlefield of love.
Sometimes I wonder if being guarded is actually safe or is it the most dangerous thing you can do? Sometimes I wonder how caging your heart can set it free. Sometimes I wonder if I really keep falling for the ‘wrong ones’ or I just label them wrong because it’s easier than sticking around and trying only to end up with a broken heart.
Sometimes I wonder if I give up too soon, if I got so good at letting go that I don’t know how to hold on anymore. I let everyone slip away. I continue to find comfort in my loneliness because I believe that when it’s right, I’ll know, it’ll be easy, I will not have to doubt it and it will change me.
Sometimes I wonder if I care too much about ‘fixing’ others that I forgot to fix myself. Maybe the lesson is to change myself first, to fix myself first, to stop running away from my heart and give myself a real shot at love.
Sometimes I wonder if I believe in love as much as I say I do or am I secretly a skeptic. Sometimes I think love is waiting for me to wholeheartedly believe in it before it finds me.