Thought Catalog

Perhaps All I Needed Was An Answer

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Twenty20 / @Leo

Perhaps all I needed was an answer instead of calling me cold.

I turned cold when your warmth froze. I turned cold when your words turned flat. I turned cold when your fire no longer burnt me. I turned cold because you left without a word. You didn’t give me an answer. A reason. An excuse. You didn’t say anything.

Perhaps all I need was an answer instead of calling me crazy.

For feeling too much, for hurting, for expressing my pain, for asking for respect, clarity and honesty. Perhaps calling me crazy was the only way you’d feel better about yourself. It was your defense mechanism so you can sleep at night. You didn’t know that a woman only goes crazy when someone she loves leaves without saying a word, without closure, without giving a valid reason. Sometimes all she needs is an answer and she will leave you alone.

Perhaps all I needed was an answer instead of pretending like I never existed.

Maybe I needed a proper goodbye, maybe I needed something more to prove to me that you at least remembered our memories, cherished our moments and appreciated the time we spent together. Maybe all I needed was a text to let me know that even though it didn’t last, it was special. All I needed was something from you to let me know that it was real. That we were both on the same page. That for a moment, we were one.

Perhaps all I needed was an answer instead of leaving me alone with all my thoughts.

And you know how much I overthink and you know how much it kills me when people leave without saying a word and you know my thoughts keep me up at night. You know that I tend to be hard on myself. You know that I’m going to think it was me. I pushed you away. It was my fault. I wish you made it a little bit easier to love myself even if you couldn’t love me.

Perhaps I already have the answer — it’s just not what I wanted to hear.

Perhaps your silence is the answer. Perhaps your departure is the answer. Perhaps acting like you don’t care is not an act and you really don’t. Perhaps I’m waiting for you to be someone you’ll never be. Perhaps honesty and courage are not qualities you have. Perhaps all you know how to be is a coward.

Perhaps all I needed was an answer to reassure me you’re not another liar. You’re not another person who promised to love me only to break my heart. But I got nothing from you. And I don’t know if I ever will, but I just wanted to let you know that when you don’t give people who cared about you an answer, it really says so much about you, it tells them you’re a coward. It tells them you’re weak. It tells them they’re lucky because they dodged a bullet. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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