I thought about it. I thought about sending you one long email or one long message telling you everything. Telling you how I felt about you when I first saw you, how our conversations made me smile, what I saw when I looked into your eyes and what I hoped you and I would be.
I was going to tell you how I hoped we’d spend Sunday mornings together making pancakes and talking about life, work, heartbreak, love and music. I was going to tell you how I hoped we’d spend Friday nights together; watching movies, watching the stars or just watching each other, dissecting every little detail and savoring every moment.
I was going to tell you that I was ready to put everything I heard about you behind and bring out another side in you. The side that I saw the first night we met. The side that I know exists deep within your soul waiting for the right person to bring it out. I was going to tell you I know that you’ve been hurt before by those who lied to you, those who said they loved you but never showed you how much they do, those who picked someone else over you and those who never really loved you for the real, unfiltered, and raw you. You only know those who fall for your image, for your status, for the mask you wear to distract people from what’s behind it.
But every time I’d type the email or the message, something stops me. Something paralyzes my hands and I can’t go on and it’s always a question, it’s always ‘Does he even care?’
Because you never even asked for the answers that I was willing to freely give you. You never asked me one question to show that you’re even curious. You haven’t done a single thing to prove that part of you even wants to know. You didn’t even look back one more time to see me before you left.
You just left.
You were just gone.
You just disappeared.
And in these moments of emptiness without you, I wondered if getting it all off my chest would make me feel better. I wondered if I should just do it for me. To give myself my own closure because I know you will never give it to me but then I realized that with people who will never understand your words, silence is the best response. Silence is the loudest response.
Silence can say a lot more than words ever will.
Silence means you don’t deserve my words. You don’t deserve an explanation. You don’t deserve my thoughts.
Because my words are full of vigor, passion, anger, emotions, love and agony but my silence is empty — just like you.