If This Is A Game, I Don’t Want To Play

 Rowan Chestnut
Rowan Chestnut

If this is a game, I don’t want to be part of it. I declare you a winner, if that’s what you care about. If all you want to do is play, go find another opponent.

If you want a challenge,  you won’t like my honesty, you won’t like how I respond to your messages on time, or how easily you can read me or my emotions, you won’t like the fact that when you ask me about something, I’ll tell you the truth and I won’t try be ‘mysterious’ or ‘vague.’ You won’t like how my eyes will give everything away and there will be no riddles for you to solve.

If you want a competition, you won’t like how I’ll make you the only one, you won’t like how I’ll tell you that no one else compares and you won’t like how I’ll always put you first, how you don’t have to try to so hard to impress me because I’m already impressed by you.

I can only play if we’re on the same team, not opponents — if it’s us against others — if it’s us against the world.

If you want mixed signals, you won’t enjoy how I make everything so clear, how I leave nothing for you to analyze, how I don’t make you question my feelings for you or what you mean to me and how I won’t ever let you doubt my intentions. If you want mixed signals, you won’t enjoy how I’ll never confuse you or make you feel like you’re not good enough because with me, you’ll always know. I’ll always reassure you.

I still don’t understand how anyone can be into these games, how anyone can be into something so transient, something so unreal and something so temporary. How?

Because what if you win? You’ll get bored of winning and look for the next new game, you’ll feel good about yourself for a moment but it won’t be satisfying forever. It won’t make you a hero and it won’t make you a millionaire. Sometimes, it just makes a coward.

And sometimes you lose, and losing the game of love is not a loss you can easily get over or get back, it’s not a loss that you can recover from or replace with another game and it’s not a loss you can handle. Sometimes losing the game makes you realize how insignificant the game is and it makes you never want to play again.

So if this is a game to you, I don’t want to play against you, I don’t want to play at all. I just want us to be a team, I want us to root for each other and support each other.

I want us to be so invested in making our team grow that we forget about the game, about the score, about winning or losing because we know love is bigger than that, because we know that when you toy with love, it might never play with you again or even worse, it might break you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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