I Think I’ll Always Be Missing You

iStockPhoto.com / Leonardo Patrizi
iStockPhoto.com / Leonardo Patrizi

Every time another relationship ends, I think of you. I think of the moment it was over between us and how it made me feel and I can’t really figure out why endings don’t hurt me as much they used to, is it because I’ve gotten so used to them that they don’t break me anymore? Or is it because you were the most painful ending? I don’t know what it is but nothing is ever as deep as it was with you; not the pain or the joy.

Every time I start falling for someone, I think of how I fell for you and suddenly I’m not even sure if I can ever fall for anyone the same way again.

It’s like you were the fall I never really recovered from, you took the biggest part of my heart that I may not be able to get back.

Every time I think I’m closer to finding someone who treats me the way I deserve, I remember you and all I want is for that person to be you, I want to hear those loving words from you, I want you to be fascinated by me the same way he is and I want you to be my plus one. I don’t know if that means I’m not really into him as much as I thought or you were the high I couldn’t get down from, you were the utopia I was looking for and anything after you feels ordinary. You showed me a glimpse of heaven in a real world and I don’t know if anything will ever be as beautiful as heaven.

Every time someone touches me, I don’t feel a thing. I don’t feel the butterflies I felt with you or the safety that came with your embrace.

Sometimes I feel scared; scared that I will not be able to let someone touch me or get too close because these are not your arms and sometimes I wonder if they’re scared of touching me too because they know I’m thinking of someone else.

I think I’ll always be missing you. I’ll miss your voice when someone else speaks, I’ll miss your eyes when someone else looks at me, I’ll miss your hands when someone else touches me and I’ll miss your love when I start falling for someone else.

And I wonder if this is all because I keep looking for you in them trying to find someone who resembles you.

But maybe this is the problem, maybe I need to find someone who doesn’t resemble you at all, who doesn’t remind me of you, who doesn’t have anything in common with you and someone who makes me believe that maybe you’re just not the one for me.

Sometimes I think I’m holding on to your love because I will not find anything better and sometimes I feel I’m holding on to it because you are too, but all I know is that in order for me to start feeling again, to start loving again, to start opening up again, I have to stop missing you.

Because missing you is my sweet escape from falling again, it’s the only way to guard my heart from that same kind of love I had with you but I need to stop missing you because I miss myself, I miss who I was before I loved you and I miss how I used to fall in love recklessly before you introduced me to holding back and putting up walls.

Maybe I’ll never stop missing you but that’s okay because I’ll always miss myself more. TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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