I Wish I’d Met You When I Didn’t Know Better

 jesslowcher
jesslowcher

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know better because it gives me an excuse to stay in your arms longer and to hold on to your promises and your words, but unfortunately I do. I wish I’d met you when I didn’t know better.

I wish I’d met you when I didn’t know that people say a lot of things they don’t mean and their words don’t always reflect their feelings. I wish I’d met you when I would’ve actually believed your words and heard them for the first time. But I met you when I heard all these words before, when I knew that I shouldn’t believe them if they’re not real. I wish I’d met you when I was innocent enough to believe these words and ignorant enough to believe they’re being said only to me. But I know better.

I wish I’d met you when I thought I was the only one. When I didn’t understand why people can talk to more than one person or even lie to more than one person and still sleep at night and when I saw the best in people. But I met you when I’ve been fooled many time before, when I learned to always assume I’m not the only one, when I learned that checking your phone when you’re with me means there’s someone else and when I can tell from the way you look at me that you’re not completely in. I wish I’d met you when I believed in fairytales and hopeless romance. But I know better.

I wish I’d met you when I used to wait for people to make up their minds, when I used to believe that waiting is part of love, when I used to think that waiting for someone will make them come back to you because it means you care. But I met you when I waited and nothing happened, when I waited and they picked someone else, when I waited and I wasted my time and when I waited and I got heart broken. I wish I’d met you when I was capable of waiting for you. But I know better.

I wish I’d met you when I liked to play games, when I would wait a few hours to text back, when I would post pictures to make you jealous, when I pretended to be someone else so you can fall for me. But I met you when the game was over, when I got tired of treating my heart like a toy, when I realized that they don’t even work and when I forgot how to even play the game. I wish I’d met you when I liked playing because your games would’ve been fun to me and I would’ve tried to win. But I know better.

I wish I’d met you when I didn’t love myself. When I was okay with being treated like an option, when I allowed people to treat me like I didn’t matter, when I didn’t value myself to know what I deserved, when I had the ‘better than nothing’ mentality and when I didn’t know how to walk away. But I met you when I finally learned to love myself enough to reject anything mediocre, when I wasn’t okay with being a step along the way, when I didn’t accept anything less than I deserved and when I stopped settling and finally learned when to walk away. I wish I’d met you when I used to stay until you decide to leave. But I know better.

I wish I didn’t know better because I would’ve had a better chance at loving you or I would’ve waited for you to love me back. But I know better and now I leave before it’s too late, and I leave before you do. TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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