I heard the news today and it took me by surprise. Not because I still care, but because I didn’t think anyone would ever make you want to settle down.
I want to see what she looks like in person and what’s behind this half-hearted smile I see in pictures, I want to see how she talks and if she is as eloquent as you always wanted me to be. If she smiles when she wants to laugh because laughing obnoxiously in public was something you never approved of. I want to know if she sips her coffee without spilling on herself and I want to see if she listens to people and understands them or she just wants everyone to listen to her.
I want to hear her stories, where she came from, what she did to get to where she is, and if she’s ever intimidated by you. I want to know if she will know how to handle my deep questions and still be so politically correct or will I see the vulnerability in her eyes when she speaks about the things that matter to her and the ones who hurt her.
I want to know if your friends like her and if she can get their jokes without getting offended, I want to know if they think she’s right for you or they think she just resembles you. I wonder if they will tell you to bring her with you everywhere you go because they love her company or will they tell you to come alone because they don’t know what to talk to her about.
And I want to see her with you. I want to know if she’s kind or if she’s bossy and demanding, I want to see if you will ever be with someone you can’t control. I want to see if you make her insecure about her quirks too or if she knows how to put you in your place because she can point out your flaws — something I always failed to do. I want to see the way you two look at each other, is it deep and genuine or is it shallow and cold.
I wonder if you talk about things passionately and spontaneously or are all your conversations planned and scheduled just like your lives.
I wonder if your dates are planned a week in advance and your phone calls are set to a certain hour of the night. I wonder if this relationship has any room for impulsiveness or is it robotic and predictable.
But the main reason why I really want to meet her is to see how different she is from me, how we are nothing alike and how we could never fall in love with the same man.
I want to know that she is the exact opposite of me and how I could never be or wish to be the person she is, I want to see that we have nothing in common and we can’t even carry on a simple conversation. I want to know that she disagrees with everything I say and I can’t stand anything she does.
I want to know that her and I can never love the same man. That the man she loves now is the man I thought I loved. That the man she’s about to marry is the man I’m glad I let go.
I want to see her to reassure myself that you never understood me and you were never right for me. I want to see you two together to realize that you and I never belonged together. I want to see her to thank her for being a testament to the fact that your excuses were all a bunch of lies because you thought I wasn’t enough for you.
I can’t wait to see her. I don’t hate her and I don’t envy her. The picture made me smile because I realized that it’s really not about her, it was always about you.