Got Felt Up At A Sofia Coppola Movie

I’m on vacation. Earlier today I tanned by the pool, listened to The Strokes, got sunstroke and felt very ‘Somewhere.’ I saw the film at the Angelica when it came out last January, in a spur-of-the moment decision alone during a weekday afternoon. The showing was crowded, and a giant man sat next to me. I was annoyed that, no matter how close I positioned myself to the wall, he took up so much space his legs and arms still touched mine. But after seeing his face exude an ‘I hate myself’ expression, I considered how awful it must feel to be so large, invading people’s personal spaces all the time. I forced myself to be sympathetic, even when I could feel his pulse increase as the twins pole danced to the Foo Fighters.

I think my favorite thing to do while away is not go anywhere, and just stay inside a pristine air-conditioned bedroom. I passed out after pool time, and just woke up and pulled The Graduate from the DVD collection. Maybe I will write “Lessons Learned From Watching The Graduate Several Years After You’ve Graduated.” My friend says food is coming.

I haven’t seen this movie since elementary school. I try to avoid things that seem too well-timed or anything that ended up in/is now associated with/been tarnished by 500 Days of Summer.

I started to write some notes:

  1. How could I have ever been intimidated by any 22 year-old male? #puppies
  2. Dads are equally clueless: “The girls, the chicks, the teenyboppers”
  3. Being bossy will get you everywhere
  4. You should be more worried about coming off as harmless and easy-to-project-fantasies-upon to adults whom lack love than ‘your future’
  5. Silently crying to call someone out will get you everywhere

I stopped here because I remembered why The Graduate was important to me. It was the first time I saw where I was from documented onscreen. It’s only for a minute, but when Ben drives from LA to Berkeley to catch Elaine, there are shots of central California nothingness — tunnels, yellow hills and oak trees on the side of the freeway, and that’s my home. These shots are also parodied really well in Wayne’s World 2.

When you are from nowhere, the first rule is to never say so — it’s not interesting, and it’s hard to move conversation forward. It’s the thing growing up in a rural town that is hard to talk about with people, and then there’s a California small town that makes it something different, and then being Jewish just throws it through the roof.

People ask me if it’s near San Francisco or LA, and I say it’s a four hour drive from both. Then they’ll ask me the actual town name, and it’s too difficult for them to pronounce. If they know it, they know it as the town they buy In-N-Out and gas in while they’re on there way to somewhere else. Usually it concludes with “sort of by Santa Barbara.”

Somewhere ends with Johnny leaving his Ferrari and ‘stardom’ behind and walking off into nowhere, California as the eternal solution. As someone who grew up idolizing LA, Johnny made the nothingness I knew transcend the sexiness of Hollywood. It was good for me to see him actually park and get out of his car, and not just pass through undeveloped California on his way to another known destination. I finally felt vindicated, recorded. At that moment, the huge man just had to grab my boob to bring me back down to reality. TC mark

image – Somewhere


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  • tao

    'an ‘I hate myself’ expression'


    • Michael Koh

      lost in translation

  • Tom Finn

  • jenn

    sorry but what did i just read?  no really i did not get the point at all

  • Catt

    Stream of consciousness? Or something like it?
    Either way, I liked it.

  • PhermonousFan

    The probability of me reading posts like this is directly influenced by how attractive their profile picture is.

    • kelley hoffman

      was wearing a really slutty oversized eddie bauer coat when it happened

  • xra

    damn so that dude just grabbed yr tit? what a jackass, did you tell the ushers or sock him or what

    • kelley hoffman

      changed seats

  • Customconcern

    this article seemed well-timed

  • Gigi


    • Zaikefilms

      my thought exactly

  • valentine_kitchenson

    My, that's some good weed you've got there.

    • kelley hoffman

      just sun stroke

  • Multiphasic

    Hmmm…  Paso Robles?

    About every fifth jackass in New York has at least investigated a South Coast winery tour and tries to make me feel like an ass for pronouncing it “Row-bulls.”  “Row-blays?” It's like the entire nation has suddenly become newscasters.

    Otherwise I can't imagine what other place name around SLO causes that kind of apoplexy.

    • kelley hoffman

      it is pronounced row-bulls…row-blays is not what locals say. paso was my rival high school.

      • Multiphasic

        Atascadero, then?  People have trouble saying “Atascadero”?

        (There's an old Looney Tunes with a magician mouse, and when he casts spells his magic words are “Atascadero Escondido.” Pretty awesome mouse.)

  • Brian McElmurry

    I like this.

  • Lhooq

    Paso, slo or cambria. Those are my guesses


    • kelley hoffman

      no, i wish, i could only dream #stillimpressed

  • Megan

    this is my favorite

  • SousChefGerard

    Your breast must have looked like a steak and was totally asking for it.

  • bgttbbgr
  • wwhq95
  • hhphj23
  • clara

    atascadero? (guesses from SLO!)

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