Dear Hiring Manager,
It is with great kick and excitement that I present my resume to you to express my interest in becoming a professional Lady of Leisure.
With cohesive experience in aimlessness, malaise, and self-loathing, I believe I have the combination of spirit and emotional illiteracy to be a weighty resource for the unconcerned employer.
For the past three years I have been a Millennial in the demographic cohort of Generation Y(aaaassss) and a snooze-button specialist. In 2011, I graduated from a competitive four-year institute with a Bachelorette Party of Journalism and a minor in free food samples. Subsequently, I devoted my days to curiously-specific Netflix categories and becoming YouTube’s champion troll doll of commentary.
My scant professional history has ultimately allowed me to cultivate an avid eye for Movies with Scripts that were Previously Assumed to be 250 Pages of Unassembled Airplanes and a strong aptitude for idling. I am a scholar that has continuously proven to sleep more than her working peers, and I’ve been told by both professors and my politically correct parents that I have the disposition of a DMV.
Most notably, I believe my practice of water sporting in a Soho House-sized pool of debt has taught me how to efficiently abandon any optimism I’ve accrued from inspirational quotes by the anonymously intelligent. Now when life gives me lemons, I adjust my sleeping position. My average efforts and excessive free time have credited me a pedant of Hamm jobs (a shot of Jameson and 12 oz. of beer From the Land of Sky-blue Water) and fashioned me as the least impressive person at dinner parties.
My aim now is to utilize my unsound skills and experiences to be the ally who visits occupationally-sound persons during lunch breaks, and I vow to stay unmotivated in order to properly avoid my life’s growing agenda.
I am happy to supply samples of my work and provide you with references for a nominal fee of $20. Thank you so much for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you via text.