This is not a letter full of hatred for an ex, nor is it my plead for love again. This is my understanding of a relationship that failed. This is me, vulnerable at its truest form.
See not all love stories end, but not all last too. Some are more fortunate than others, and some just will never survive the everlasting storms. But we are all human, craving the touch of another. And we all like to believe in a love that can save us. However, sometimes, people cannot be saved by another, they must save themselves.
I opened up to you, I told you my deepest secrets, I confided in you when life would make me feel like I was psychically drowning, and you decided to love me. You chose to love me, despite all my problems, you decided I was what you wanted to invest your time into. And god was it intense. I had a lot of issues with trust from the beginning and you knew that.
Then you made a stupid mistake that you knew would cost you a girl that would love you more than she could ever love herself. And you hated yourself for it.
You had never known what love was before, but that night, you had hurt the girl that you didn’t even realize you was in love with. You knew, from that point that I was what you wanted. You’d never experienced something so real, intense. You’d never experienced love. And I forgave you for your mistake because for some reason, that’s what made me realize my love for you. And it hit me so hard I couldn’t breathe. I’d never loved another soul, I never really believed that it was something I’d experience. I couldn’t handle myself, how could I handle love? But somehow, I tried. I never completely could deal with it, but I allowed myself to try.
I think we both know that this wasn’t an easy experience. Nobody will truly ever understand, but you will, and that’s all that matters.
You chose a girl that was half, not whole. You never really thought it would be an issue, see I’m good at pretending I’m okay for a while and that’s what I did. The first few months were probably the best I’d ever felt in my life. I had experienced emotions and feelings I never could have believed in before.
You gave me a rush, like adrenaline. And we experienced so much so fast. Love, hate, sadness, passion. We had the whole thing. It was never complete magic, fairy-tale love, but what we had was real. You know that, I know that.
I still remember the places, our places. They will forever be ours, we could never kid ourselves by taking other people and recreating other memories because they will always be tainted with us. The walks to the bench on the canal where we would talk about our future, declaring our love for one another. The pavement on that road, you know which one. The one where I witnessed your heart break, you cried so hard I hated myself for months. I never told you how much that night affected me, but it did.
Hurting you, took a piece from me that I never thought existed. I never knew a person could feel so much sadness. I hurt you, never intentionally but I did. You believed that I would move on from you so easily, but god its 3 months later and my heart still completely belongs to you.
So please believe me when I tell you that I’m truly sorry for the things that were said that night. And believe me when I tell you that a part of me will always love you, unconditionally.
When things were good, they were the best they could have been. But when we argued, we created gaps, holes in the relationship that we refused to fix. We were too oblivious to the damage we were creating because we would ignore our problems, go back to ‘normal’.
But was there ever a normal with us? We had never lived up to the expectations of a relationship that other people wanted from us and we were okay with that, well, I was. I didn’t need for us to have an aspect of perfect, I liked the unknown. I believed in our own idea of love. Something that made sense to us.
I have many regrets, you probably do too. I will never believe that I loved you to my full potential. Not towards the end anyway. I let things get in the way, I chose the past over the present and I let myself be buried in guilt with mistakes I made that had nothing to do with you but I still made you deal with it when it was never something you should have had to handle. I became bitter, full of sadness and hatred for people that had hurt me in the past.
And somehow, I let that control who I was, and it ruined me. I just couldn’t let go.
We grew apart after endless amounts of arguments that were always about the same thing. You were mad at me for not believing you when you told me you loved me, and I was mad at you for loving me. I truly believed that there was no way you could love me, not anymore. Why would you? Negativity surrounded me and I became this person. Someone that not even I could recognize anymore. I was drowning. And it was only me that could save myself, and I chose not to.
My life didn’t make sense to me anymore, I’d spent so much time running away from my problems I couldn’t face them head on, not then. Not when I knew I was losing my best friend, and I knew it was all my fault.
And it got to the point where I knew I had to let you go. I ended things. And that was it. God, it hurt. You have no idea. That night I lost a part of me that I will never get back. But I knew deep down that it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t tell myself that though could I? for a while afterwards I became crazy, delusional. I begged you to be with me again, knowing it wasn’t right. Knowing that it wouldn’t be the same, but I loved you. And I didn’t want to give up what we once had. I couldn’t deal with the fact that I knew I had to be alone for a while, I needed time to fix myself without you.
I hated it. I hated the idea of being without you. But we both knew in our hearts that this was needed. We loved each other, more than anybody could ever understand.
And there was a time when I acted very bitter about the breakup, I shouted at you, I screamed at you, I told you I hated you and we had so many fall outs. But you always wanted to stay friends. And people thought we were crazy, staying friends with someone you’re in love with, they thought it was insane. Maybe it was. Maybe we were just kidding ourselves.
But I think the hardest thing about the relationship ending was accepting that I would lose my best friend too. Because that’s what we were. I’d never been so comfortable with anybody in my whole life. Nobody knew the small details about me that you did.
We started telling each other we could work someday. Maybe in a couple of years when we had figured ourselves out, we said. We would stay friends till then, we would always be close. But I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I’ve struggled with accepting that we are not together. We might not ever be again. And things got too much recently.
I’ve been putting all my energy into finding myself. Being happy with who I am. And a part of me cannot be when all I can think about is you finding someone else. Loving someone who is whole. Who doesn’t need to be fixed because she’s already who she wants to be. Every girl you follow on social media I wondered if they would become your next lover. And I just couldn’t deal with watching you make every small step closer to becoming you, without me. So I made the decision in completely blocking you out of my life. And I’ll never know if that hurt you in any kind of way, I’ll never know if you were relieved or disappointed. I don’t even think I want to know.
Our love was once the most realist thing I had ever felt in my whole life. And a lot of the time I focus more on the bad than the good because I blame myself for letting our love fade. But it never will be completely gone, will it? I know, and you know, that our love was something that we will keep close to our hearts forever.
An epic, intense and crazy kind of love. The kind of love that isn’t perfect but doesn’t have to be. We were young, vulnerable and hopelessly in love with one another. And I’ll never regret loving you. Not now, not ever. You taught me that life isn’t easy, you fight for what you believe in. You never really give up on the people you love, and that bad timing really is a thing. Life gets complicated, and as much as we want to hold on, we’re being dragged apart by the differences we face in this life. Sometimes, you must face the world alone. Not because you don’t deserve love, but you’re not entirely ready for it yet.
So, I’m letting myself grieve, but I’m allowing this to build me into the person I once was. And maybe one day we’ll see each other again, in a few months or years. And you’ll look at me and see the girl that you once fell in love with, you’ll be proud of me for sticking to the promises I made you.
And I will look at you, and I’ll know that our love, is still as real as it was in the beginning. And even if our paths never cross again, believe me when I tell you that all I want for you is the best. Never settle for less than you deserve. And stop letting people change who you are, you do you, it’s always okay to be different.
I have no idea if you will ever see this. And if you do, know that we are an everlasting flame that will never truly burn out.