I Won’t Apologize For Loving You

 De Westelinck Smith
De Westelinck Smith

I’m sorry for not being sorry.

I mean it . . . I don’t really find the necessity to apologize for all the things I did right — for the wrong people.

I’m not sorry for loving too hard, and I guarantee I will still love the way I did if given another chance. I will never regret giving my all, even if it meant hurting myself. The person in me understands that loving can hurt, but it understands all the more that love can heal, and it could help a person grow.

I won’t be sorry for almost losing myself, because I was sure I won’t lose the soul that’s holding me in. I may have lost you, but I have gained a strength that made me better than when I first learned that I loved you. It was the strength of knowing that I was capable of giving out a form of love that’s genuine and true . . . I’m not sorry for learning just how strong I am for being able to love and get hurt, but able to get up and smile again.

I will never be sorry for letting you know that I am someone you can never replace with anybody, for my existence is one of billions, and you must’ve known that by now. You may have found someone better or maybe not . . . at the end of it, having me is something you can never experience again. Just like my opportunity of having you. It was something magical, something I will never regret, but definitely something I won’t ever do again. Thank you for coming to my life, at least once – but that’s it, I am now closing the chapter of your story.

I am not sorry for crying — because it was the only thing I was capable of doing at that time. Crying helped me accept that you were gone forever. Pouring out my tears made me more compassionate about my fragility. I understood then that anyone who allows tears from my eyes, for the wrong reasons – are people who are not worthy of me. Crying was the last thing I could do for you, for tears go away after it dries, just like how my emotions fade after I cried. I am now wiping my tears, and I am now wiping away your existence in my life.

There is no reason for me to be sorry for feeling bitter for quite some time, because that was an act of being realistic. I have the right to feel what I feel, and to act according to my own judgement. There is no denying that I hated what you did – but I can’t hate you for making me stronger. I was bitter, yes! But that’s because I realized how you turned to the person I never wanted you to become.

I am not sorry though, because it turned out that you walked away for my own benefit. You made me realize that you were giving me the chance to be with someone better, after you left me. You weren’t someone I am supposed to keep forever anyways, if you were, you should have stayed, no matter what.

I am not sorry for having high standards, and I will never listen to anyone’s negative criticism. I will not focus on other people’s comments because they are not the type of people who went through the same obstacles I did. I will decide for my own happiness, I will focus on what is good for me and most of all – I will decide on things that will deserve my apology.

There are so many things I did for the right reasons and intentions, and although I did not end up with what I imagined was the proper conclusion, I am still grateful – for in the process, I discovered my own worth, I realized just how important it is to be humble yet vigilant. I certainly understood that forgiveness is necessary, and that I should be the first beneficiary. I asked forgiveness to myself for everything I did wrong, and I have forgiven myself for all the things I did wrong, for the right reasons. TC mark

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