Just know, that I do not hate you.
Thinking how it was and how it actually is, I feel like I have been wasting my time for the longest time. I’ve invested too much in you; time, effort, emotions and all. If I am to count the hours I’ve spent waiting and thinking of you, I might’ve been rich by now, but I don’t speak of hatred…
I speak now just so you know how it felt like to be left behind. I hated what happened, I hated our situation, I hated the people around us, I hated the circumstances, and I hated that someone was better than me in your eyes. I must’ve been a hater all this time… for the only thing I can think of, are the things that made me feel the pain. In the end, I could not bring myself to hate you.
I had sleepless nights, I had teary eyes, I had a broken heart… but I had you too – and I want to remember you as the one that made my heart flatter from that very first “hi”… Let’s keep it that way.
I still think of you, sometimes…
Dreams, they say are made to be fulfilled, but my dreams with you are made to be forgotten. I still think of the “What if’s”, and the “Why not’s” and all the random things that may remind me of you. I still think of you. The things we shared may be little, but my heart remembers every piece of it. My mind may forget, but my heart will forever know you. It can recognize the feeling – from when we first talked, to when we last bid our goodbyes.
I still think of you, just like how a student may always think of what she learned from yesterday’s class.
You made me stronger
You made me fall so deep that it was too hard for me to go back up. You took my wings and left me clueless. I was never a victim, but I was a poor thing begging for numbness. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to forget everything. It was too difficult to bear.
My stomach churns in the memory of how painful it was. Even the strongest pain killer would be useless. It took time to mend my broken humanity, my shattered pride, my lifeless being.
At one point you were someone who reminded me of how beautiful life can be; the next – you were someone who reminded me that life, really is not that fair.
My clarity remained in me, I gained my strength back. With the tiniest strand of hope, I started hoping again, I started rebuilding my walls. I’m smiling again – all because you were the reason I am stronger now.
Thank you very much.
Lastly, with firm resolution, I thank you.
Thank you for bringing out the best in me.
And even though you’re no longer around, I still thank you.
Because I grew up, better and still getting better, from what I was when you first met me.
So, thank you.