I had almost forgotten what heartbreak felt like.
I watched my gaunt face in the mirror echo the ghost of a smile that didn’t really stay long enough. The sun rose in the sky but all I could wait for, was sunset.
I found a strange solace in letting the tears roll down unhindered. They felt just like bits of me going away, bits that needed to be gone, bits that broke at my defenses and crushed them down. I didn’t want these liabilities around any longer. I let them go silently, streaking my face and streaming down my neck to disappear somewhere in the valley of my heart. Never remembered, never missed.
It’s probably my turn again. I’ve been sailing the other side too long to remember what heartbreak felt like, I thought these crevices of my soul disappeared after the first cut.
They just got deeper instead.
Maybe these things are meant to happen – so we know we still have something beating inside our bosom, that hurts when we hurt. It’s more than the lonely song you listen to, more than the diary you write in, more than you’re willing to admit.
But it isn’t worth your happiness or your days. Days spent crying into pillows or staring into the distance listlessly.
So I wiped those tears off. I shouldn’t let them steal their way to my heart. I cut them off and wiped them away harshly.
I’ve seen those tears too many times, felt them too often to feel threatened by what they did to me. So I let it be, I let him be. I didn’t curse him for what he did to me, I reasoned instead that I wasn’t everything I made him think I was.
I’m not okay. I’ll lose a bit of myself in the next few days, I’ll smile, albeit an empty one, when I’m asked to. I can do robotic, i can do normal, I can, everyday.
If there’s anything I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that I’ve been put together too carefully, too preciously, by a loving maker. I’ve been made with too much love to break down over lack of it.
I’m not okay.
But I will be.