Nice Guys Don’t Sleep With Virgins

Note: this piece is from the perspective of a white, heterosexual cis female. It is not intended to generalize, or lump all women together, but merely provide an experience and reach out to those who have had similar experiences. Please feel free to discuss and comment.

When you are a virgin, no one wants to have sex with you. I’ve heard all the misconceptions — virgins become attached, there’s too much responsibility, being a virgin is a choice, etc. But the truth is that you aren’t supposed to want sex if you are a virgin. If you do, then you are considered sad and lonely, and if you don’t, then there is something wrong with you. Even Christians can hold out for delayed gratification. Our culture doesn’t have room to tolerate people who just haven’t had the good fortune of being in the right place at the right time when it comes to sex.

I had sex for the first time at 22, and he was an asshole. At the time, I had convinced myself via previous circumstances that I wasn’t going to find a nice guy to have sex with me. Want to know why? Because nice guys don’t sleep with virgins — at least not virgins they aren’t in a relationship with. Believe me, I tried. I mean, yeah, it was fun, and yeah, he wasn’t a total dick, but in the end I only saw him a few times, slept with him once, and then he didn’t want to see me again. But I was OK with that, because at least I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Being dismissed by this guy was far better than staying a virgin at 22, since by the time I got to that age I was long overdue.

I will never get to experience having sex at 17, or 18, or 20. Unfortunately for me, that is the ‘acceptable’ window period for a girl — woman to lose her virginity. Because of this, I had to wait even longer because I was holding out for a nice guy. But nice guys don’t sleep with virgins.

By the time I was 22, I had heard everything:

“Why don’t you wait until you are in a relationship?”

“Trust me, you don’t want me to do this.”

“I can’t do that to you, it wouldn’t be right.”

“You think you want to have sex, but you don’t really.”

“You’ll meet someone eventually.”

“Take it from me — sex changes you. You have to decide if you are ready to take that step.”

What irritated me most was the idea that, as a virgin, I was supposed to want a relationship. As if I was supposed to commit to someone just so that he would sleep with me, that I could only give this experience to someone I was exclusive with, and that somehow it would be more his experience than mine. I was conflicted over the constant societal reminder that in order to be pleasured, I had to be loved first, as though I was incapable of distinguishing between the two as a woman. So I slept with someone who didn’t treat me like a virgin, and it was awesome. Except that he wasn’t so awesome. Because nice guys don’t sleep with virgins.

Men who treat women like virgins are just as shitty as the ones who treat women like sluts. If a woman says she wants to have sex, she isn’t confused. She might not be holding out for the right guy. And there’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve been there. And believe me, if you turn her away thinking she’ll come back to you AFTER she’s had sex with someone else as if you were this great goal for her to aspire to, think again.

Why is it OK to both shame women who haven’t had sex and want to without strings or relationships attached, and completely disregard those who are not virginal as not worthy of your time and attention? Women go from being patronized to being treated like garbage. Those of us who missed our designated societal window of opportunity know this all too well.

Even now, I am still facing the backlash of being a “late bloomer.” Many women I’ve met herald Tina Fey as a representative of real women who lose it late, but women like her (who, btw, if you don’t know, lost it to her future husband) don’t ever have to deal with the expectation that you will have years of experience behind you at 23. It feels really shitty to be wanted right up until the moment you are attained. And having to explain to every guy you sleep with that you can count your number of partners on your right hand and still have fingers to spare kind of ruins the moment.

Sex takes practice. If you sleep with a girl, and she isn’t “exciting” enough for you, take a moment to consider the fact that up until two guys before you, she might not have had any. And that’s OK. Be a man and ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable. Sex is awkward enough without the aching feeling that no matter what you do, you aren’t doing it right.

And if she IS a virgin, ask her if she is ready for it, and then BELIEVE HER if she tells you yes (and of course, believe her and respect her if she tells you no as well). Give her credit for being able to make her own decisions about her body and I guarantee that you will have a grand old time. Being a nice person does not equate “protecting” someone from consensual sex. If anything, by agreeing to have fun with her, you are preventing her from settling for someone not as respectful.

I know it takes a lot to change this way of thinking, because society still has this notion that women can only have sex for the first time in an “appropriate” situation. As if we women are fragile, and can’t handle getting fucked for the first time without making marriage plans the next day. So maybe you will only read this and not actually change your behavior. Well, OK. You can’t win them all. But I do hope that if you ever come across someone who hasn’t had sex (male OR female, mind you — guys get shit on for this as well, but that is a whole different article), ask them their story. It might be interesting, and it might not be traditional, or anything you have preconceived.

Oh, and then call them back. Because, you know, no one likes an asshole. Thought Catalog Logo Mark