What I Wish I Could Have Told You All Along

What I Wish I Could Have Told You All Along
Felix Russell Saw

I got caught up, by your exquisite soul. I felt like I could always be myself around you and that was different. You didn’t judge me and I felt at home. The things that I would have done for you would have been endless. Not because you asked but because it was simply who I was. I didn’t understand the pain you were going through. But for you I would have sat with you through all of it because you didn’t deserve sitting in all that pain by yourself.

The times you would hurt me by your uncertainty and insincere actions, the days you would just drop me and then come back like nothing ever happened, wrecked who I was. I felt so low in my life. I wanted to be that support system for you so bad that I lost who I was in the midst of trying to recover who you were.

The day you kissed me in the jeep had to be the best day I had in awhile.

Your words were so sweet that night and I finally thought that maybe this is it, you finally saw what type of girl I am and that you would stay.

The night we went swimming and ate at Denny’s, which lead to one of our car chronicles, I asked you did you think about doing these types of things with me or was it just in the moment and you said you thought about it. I felt special. But I was wrong.

I remember the day that I thought you were talking to someone else, the first day of school at my new university. You texted me asking if I was going to quit instead of asking me if you could help to make me feel any better. You were never concerned about me. But I apologized anyway for making you uncomfortable in any way. I always apologized to you when I was the one hurting. I apologized to you when I didn’t even do anything wrong. I knew at the point I should’ve just quit you. But for some reason I couldn’t.

You didn’t care and you never have. How do I know? Because when you care about someone you can’t go all these days without saying something to him or her. Making sure they are okay. I exhibited that to you, I showed you how I always cared, and yet you never did.

Your efforts reflect you’re interested and your efforts were weak. I also knew that I should have walked away. But I didn’t.

The night I decided to finally let you go was the night that you let me leave without following me, or even asking if I got home safe. That hurt more than you would ever know. And yet you still didn’t care.

I was finally healing from you. Then that text you sent suggesting we be friends set me back. I felt flattered in a way because maybe I did have an impact on your life. My friends insisted that we become friends since you made it seemed that you missed me. That was a mistake I’m learning to live down.

You took me out on two dates and held my hand. You called me baby which made my heart drop. Your drunk calls telling me how much you liked me and how I made you warm made me cry because this is what I’ve been wanting with you this whole time.

We Face timed everyday since that night and I loved it. I am used to guys never taking the time to talk to me. I’m use to feeling empty being with someone but with you I felt a cozy feeling in my heart. But you never cared.

Just to talk to you even if it was about nothing was worth every minute to me, ONE WEEK AFTER you were already acting different. It only took one week not to like me anymore. It took one week to act like you did the first time. You lead me to believe that you cared, but you never did. You never did like me. You lied. You lie so well, manipulating me, and others, to believe that you cared.

The day you told me you needed to talk to me I didn’t go to sleep my head was being haunted with the words that you could have possibly said. It’s like my whole world shut down. It was three days before my birthday and you couldn’t have waited for the perfect time. You couldn’t even wish me a happy birthday. I took from that.

Now that I look back on it, it was always about you always about what made you feel comfortable what made you feel better. You never thought about me for a minute and how I would feel. You never got to know me and who I was because you were so worried about yourself. You never took the time to get to know me fully.

And in that I lost myself trying to be the good woman for you. I lost my passions and I was distracted because I was to busy trying to be there for you. You didn’t care. And you never have.

I felt like such a burden to your life, like I wasn’t good enough for you.

I had to unfollow you off of all social media because I can’t bare to see you looking at my stuff without having the decency to call me or text me to tell me what has changed and why you feel different now. I’m not making any more excuses for you. You’re a grown boy. You know what’s right from wrong.

I need to have respect for myself, and not mourn you so much after you leave.

But in all of this you’ve taught me a lot. I will never stop wanting the best for you I want you to be the man I know you can be. My heart won’t go cold and you won’t make me go back to those nights when I took Nyquil just to fall asleep to not deal with the pain you caused me.

I can’t be that girl who lost her passion in trying to be there for you. It’s not worth my life anymore. I hope you can grow into a strong man one who doesn’t lie and doesn’t manipulate, but one who is honest and loving. I know he is down there somewhere. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I see beauty in the roughest places possible.

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