The dangerously aggressive arm swinger
If the pendulum of one’s arm swing is greater than 180 degrees whilst walking, they are a threat to the common pedestrian and should take their arm swinging to an environment where it may be of more practical use – like Zumba class.
The am cigarette smoker
The act of smoking cigarettes on a busy sidewalk during rush hour is, for lack of a less offensive word, disgusting. Early bird smokers need to stop marring my morning aura and light up their cigs elsewhere, like their own apartment where they can hot-box it away with carcinogenic fumes.
The wheely suitcase wheeler
You know it’s coming from blocks away. Coming at you insidiously like stormclouds on a sunny day. You hear the wheels rolling over pavement, rolling over bumps, and suddenly you’re being side swiped in the legs by a suitcase and the wheelers mighty force.
The sloooooow strider
This individual is c-h-iii-lll-i-n. They are clearly in no rush to be anywhere, which is fine, but not when they are blocking someone else’s route. Tourists are particularly vulnerable to being slow striders.
The dagger-heeled wobbler
This person, who is usually but not certainly a woman, wears dagger-like high heels they overtly have trouble walking in. The dagger-heeled wobbler is a two-fold danger. First, they will slow down your walk if you get stuck behind them because they cannot walk at an acceptably brisk speed. And secondly, if you’re unfortunate enough to make a poorly-timed step and accidently get a heel spiked down into your foot as you approach them, you will experience a great amount of physical and emotional pain.
The pigeon feeder
If you see seeds, RUN. Especially if the seeds are airborne, which means they’ve been freshly flung from a bird person’s gnarly hands and will imminently land as flocks of pigeons swarm around you. The pigeon feeders are sneaky. They generally carry seeds in concealed places and therefore, you never know when they will quickly scatter them about.
The inconsiderate dog walker
I do not mean a dog walker solely in the professional sense, but any person who is walking a dog along the street, whether or not said person is actually a dog walker. These people stand there smugly as their perfectly manicured poodle takes a massive shit on the ground, and then cease to clean up after it.
There is absolutely no excuse to litter anything, whether it’s a bag full of abandoned fries or a tiny gum wrapper, when there are garbage pails on literally every corner of New York City. The litterer is both lazy-as-fuck and extremely disrespectful.
The crazy-ass mo-fo who may or may not be homeless. Usually, one can find the lunatic arguing with themselves or walking around with their pants down. Either way, you should cross the street immediately upon sighting them.
The loud phone blabber
OH you had a bagel this morning and they forgot to scoop it out for you?? Tell me more I’m soo intrigued about the tantalizing nuances of your personal life. People who speak at a screaming pitch on the phone almost certainly are telling ridiculously dumb stories to some unfortunate soul. This situation is made exponentially worse when the loud phone blabber is doing so through a Bluetooth.