Thoughts From A First-Time Lover

Chad Madden

I sat there wondering, pondering really, how I could be so foolish as to fall asleep with the intentions of being forever alone, and wake up madly in love. I had promised myself a million times that I would never give myself up to the hopelessly romantic tragedy of thinking in “us” rather than “me.”

And yet, here I am now, sitting alone in a Starbucks wishing he was here and that I was laying on his shoulder.

I am foolish. That can be the only explanation. I have fallen for his smooth talking and beautiful voice. I have fallen for the way he smiles and it echoes through his eyes in a never-ending gleam. He looks at me and I am done. Everything I have worked for, every truth I know just fades into my strong feelings for him.

And I didn’t even see this coming.

God, how could I be so foolish as to let myself think this way? I am not in love. It is a trick of the mind. It is mere chemicals reacting wrongly in my brain. I am not in love, I am simply crazy. Crazy in love, but it will pass. The phrase finally makes sense. Crazy in love. I am crazy to think love could be true.

Love is a lie; it has always been so. No human being can love another when we are all selfish, living for ourselves. If one can walk down a city street and see a man holding a cardboard sign, standing next to three children bundled up not nearly enough and huddled together in the dead of winter, and keep walking then there is no love in our hearts. There can be no love where there is hatred and blindness. There can be no love where a man asking for help or food for his family is seen as shameful and sad.

Where people cannot help one another, they cannot love. We cannot love. I am just foolish.

Then what is this feeling I have? What is this ache in my chest to have him near? Why do I feel as though I never want to be away from him when before I met him I could spend a month in total solitude? I used to love being alone places but now I want him here, holding my hand every second I am awake.

Why do I feel this way? The world is cruel and society is fucked up, so why does he call me perfect and embrace all my flaws like I’d fade away without them?

Why does he seem so sure when he says he loves me and why do I believe him? He does not even look away. He stares straight at me, straight into my eyes and holds them captive as he says only three words that used to scare me to death. In a normal situation I would run the other way and never look back but I can’t seem to look away from his captivating gaze.

Why do I believe him when he says these words? Why do I say it back? I am foolish.

I am foolish I swear. There is no other explanation. Or maybe…maybe I have come to truly see how cruel the world is. It is wrong to think someone is shameful for asking for help. Maybe he sees this too. Maybe when he looks me in the eyes and says he loves me he is looking at everyone; he is saying it to everyone.

Maybe I can believe him when he says these words because he bought that family with the cardboard sign a meal. Maybe I can trust these words because he does love me. Maybe I love him too.

I am crazy to think so, but maybe I love him. But I am foolish for it. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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