It’s Saturday night at nine o’clock. I’m sitting in my plastic, polyester-covered chair watching a girl in see-through stripper heels hold a Corona in one hand and lunge for the bride’s bouquet with the other one. This scene used to seem pathetic, but now I look on with envy.
You know those trite sayings you tell your single girlfriends to cheer them up? Well, they’re really fucking depressing when you’re married at 21.
You have your whole life ahead of you!
You don’t need to be tied down right now!
You’re only 21!
Does that mean I don’t have my whole life ahead of me? Just because I got lucky and found my best friend and soulmate early, can I no longer go from the window to the wall and be one of those bitches that crawl for Lil’ Jon?
Having always been more of a TV-watching, coffee-addicted homebody than a man-hunting, vodka-addicted party animal, I used to always put off “going out” if I could. But since my wedding, there’s a feeling I just can’t seem to shake. It nags at the back of my mind like those horrifying Joey Fatone hair plug commercials.
Am I a part of the boring married couple too lame to be invited out? Or worse, am I considered a part of the smug married couple Bridget Jones always despised?
At this point, you’re probably feeling the same disgust I feel when someone complains about being too skinny.
Ugh, someone compared me to an Olsen twin, again.
I really struggle to find size double zero in the stores.
No matter how many cheeseburgers I eat, I just can’t seem to gain an ounce!
You know who you are, and you suck. But am I any better?
You know what’s horrible? Finding the one person you’re meant to be with for the rest of your life at an early age.
It sucks so much always having someone to listen to me bitch incessantly about the travesties that are Crocs and Uggs.
Ugh, I hate having someone else available to do my chores! Wahh!
For those of you out there still looking for the one, I’m sorry to lay my pathetic problems out for you in print. But I also recognize that I’m a rarity. A very fortunate rarity, but one just the same.
My entire upbringing in the pop culture world centered on wronged women. Carrie Bradshaw didn’t get married till she was in her late ‘40s, and she even had to be jilted first.
So at the age of 23 and almost two years into marriage, I can’t help thinking that there’s something wrong with me. The majority of my friends have been through at least two duds by now. I’ve heard stories of cheaters, drug addicts, alcoholics, and verbal abusers. So where are my failed romances?
I try to excuse away my lack of negative romantic experiences by complaining about life post-fairytale. My wedding was a beautiful day that I’ll never forget, but that’s the farthest thing from my mind when my husband and I disagree on how to spend our money or how to split the holidays with our families.
What was once mine has now become “ours” and as an only child, I don’t always take it well. Why do I have to buy the groceries when you eat most of them? Oh yeah, we have the same bank account. And why can’t you “pay me back” for things you’ve taken? Oh yeah, because the money you’re “returning” is half mine anyway.
My holidays will never be the same again because I now I have two sets of families to consider. Traditions I once cherished are cut short or eliminated altogether to make way for my husband’s large family (and vice versa).
Nothing compares to cozying up on the couch with my husband — especially after four years of living six hours apart — but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss lounging around the dorm/apartment/house with my closest friends or lying diagonally on the bed (it’s a thing). Getting married definitely isn’t the end of your friendships, but it marks a significant change in your social life. Growing up I hated my friends who abandoned me for a boyfriend, and I vowed not to do the same once I was married. But, to an extent, that was stupid.
My husband is my best friend, and he has to be my priority about 85 percent of the time (The Remainder: 10 percent me, 10 percent friends, 5 percent Beyonce’s tumblr). If you’re lucky, you’ll have a group of solid, understanding friends (like Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda), but even the Holy Trinity got frustrated with Carrie’s relationships from time to time — and rightfully so.
I’ve always wanted one of those marriages that people consider adorable, not annoying, but the problem is, I’m not a celebrity. And as much as I’d like to look and dress like Kate Middleton, it’s just not going to happen in this lifetime. I’m a real person who really has to blow people off sometimes, and my inner self-conscious self is constantly stressed about the judgments of those around me who aren’t at the same place I am in life.
But here’s the thing, ladies. Beyonce was the one who created this generation’s anthem for single girls, and she’s happily married to Jay-Z. He liked it, and he put a ring on it. And that’s only the beginning.