I found myself in a healthy, long-term relationship that I’d never experienced before. For someone with so much baggage from the past, I never expected to meet someone so caring. I’ve been with them for a year now and all of a sudden, all my anxieties and insecurities plummeted. Being with someone so good made me feel inadequate, like I had come into someone’s life just to ruin it.
I constantly thought I wasn’t good enough for them and that surely they would wish for someone with less baggage. It was as if I felt like I was creating a mess in their life that they didn’t need.
In return I’d only get positivity, they love me for me and if that means helping me through my problems they would be there for me always. This would only cause a constant battle in my head. How can they be okay with this, why aren’t they annoyed with how I am, surely I’m not the girl they imagined being with?
I hated having these feelings, questioning the one good thing that kept me going. Being in a healthy relationship when you have all this going on is hard to be okay in yourself and to trust that you are good for them too.
When you’re with a person who appears to have nothing wrong, they’re ‘normal’, and you want to be just like them. I wish I was ‘normal’, to have never been through anything, to not have baggage, just so that I felt worthy to be by their side. But I’m not. And I needed to accept that.
I needed to overcome this fear that I was the destroyer in this relationship, that if we ever broke up it was going to be because of me. That there was someone better out there for them.
I started to think rationally about it, they fell in love with me for a reason, they know that I have baggage, even right from the start. So, I started to try and believe that I could be good for them too, because underneath all my fears and anxiety I am me. I can be fun and happy, and I deserve to be with this person as much as they deserve to be with me.
I found it easier knowing there were two sides to the story. If someone is telling you they love you and that they will be by your side through anything, hold onto it. Finding someone as kind as them, I know will never happen again. I’m trying to believe in the good in me so I can move forward and get past my baggage that’s been weighing me down so much.