I Liked Your Attention More Than I Liked You

I know it’s a bit mean to say, well, honest really.  And of course, the truth hurts but, it needs to be said at some point.

You probably think I was stringing you along and playing games.  I’m sure that’s what you’ll tell yourself to make it easier because that’s what it looked like.  Just know that wasn’t my intent.

But you’re right. I did everything you’re supposed to do when you like someone.  I said every cheesy line, texted back and matched every touch with an even bigger smile.

What I didn’t tell you was that my judgment got clouded because of your interest in me.  As sad as that sounds, it’s true.

I became love drunk in the idea of being wanted by someone, so I numbed everything else.  Every text and touch from you lit the voices in my brain that told me I liked you. That this could work.

So, I believed them. I messaged you back. I reciprocated every lingering glance and touch.

When I took a step back, I realized I didn’t like you.

I liked the attention you gave me.

I liked the idea of you.

I liked the idea of potential and everything within me was begging for my heart to be as into you as my head was. I kept telling myself that maybe this could be the time where everything changes. That maybe there was something there when I knew there wasn’t.

Love doesn’t work like that. It’s much more beautiful, complicated and simple all at once. I know I can’t force it when it’s not there, but every cheesy song and romcom has assured me that I will be certain in my head and my heart when it’s right.

And we weren’t right.

So, the truth is, yes, I only liked the attention you gave me.

But, can you blame me?

In this age, everything becomes misconstrued, dramatized and temporary.  We become numb and latch onto anything that keeps us from being lonely. I latched onto you.

It was like when you look up at the sun on a hot summer day.  You like the sun because it’s bright and makes you feel warm inside, but you don’t realize until minutes later how damaging it is to you.

And by the time you realize, it’s too late.

You’re already burnt.