1. It’s difficult for you to trust fully. Yet, when you see a glimpse of what you think is true, you still fall for them. You open up and tell them your life story. They tell you the right things and maybe even touch your scars while cuddling and say a couple of words, like “I never want you to feel that way again with me.”
2. We open up at first, then it’s like a brick wall forms from there. After I open up, I find it hard to open up about my actual feelings. Or if something reminds me of the past, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me or view me like I am still broken. It’s hard for me to even hold a guy’s hand in public, let alone kiss him while we’re out at dinner.
3. You tend to avoid conflict because you don’t want to seem overbearing. When something goes wrong or I feel ignored, I tend to ignore those feelings and push them under the rug. I’ll make constant excuses for them, like they’re busy, or they’re at work, or they’ll get back to me later. You should never have to feel like this if it is really love. This is probably one of the hardest lessons that I’ve had to tell myself. I convince myself that they still care for myself, but in reality, they care about themselves more. A friend once told me that you deserve someone who will do whatever it takes to be with you. Someone who will drive 4 hours every other weekend or so to see you. I’ve never seen this, but he has. I still have hope that this is true.
4. You love recklessly and without caution. I’ve seen so many articles saying that those with rough pasts love with reservations. But I cannot say that I do. I love full force and I fall for someone easily. I never do anything half hearted. Even though you’re broken, you still know love and you still believe in it. I think that’s just a part of being a hopeless romantic. My parents never truly loved each other from the time I’ve been alive. But I still long for that love that consumes you and makes you happy all over, even when times grow tough.
5. You’re ready for commitment, even though you don’t really know what it looks like. My parents have been in an unhappy marriage for 25 years now. They’re the type of people who don’t believe in divorce. Neither do I. When I get married, I want it to be forever. Sometimes I want to give up on the guy that I’m with, but I never do. I can count on one hand the number of guys that I have personally said no to. Compared to the number of guys that I’ve seen that have not been ready, that’s a big thing.
6. You’re tired of ‘complaining’ to your friends about the next guy who broke your heart. Yes, I’m that ridiculous girl who’s kept track of the guys that I’ve talked to/ dated and I know the number. I have a few very close friends that know what I’ve been through. They say they are always there for me and open to talk about everything. But I’m tired of being that broken girl who got her hopes up again and got let down again.
7. You still believe in love despite everything. I said before that I’ve never really seen love. When most of the people in my life see conflict, they break up or divorce or cheat. They just give up and then move on with their life. I’m not going to say that I’ve never cheated on anyone. But that was a different part of my life. I still long for that love that makes you tingle from your forehead to the tips of your toes. I still want a man who will bring my chocolate or soup when I’m having an anxiety attack and who will just sit with my as I watch Grey’s Anatomy in silence. I still believe after everything I’ve been through. I still have hope.