Rachel Hodin

6. You’re a “DJ.”

Unless you can wow me with an awesome trick, like stashing coins in your beard or growing goji berries in it, I want it GONE.

No one wants a degenerate sleeping in their bed; if you’re the guest at a adult sleepover, set your alarm for 9:30 so as not to reveal that you’re a complete waste of life. Walk into the kitchen yawning and be all “I just CANT sleep past 10am these days!” Then, when she’s not looking, get the fuck home and back to sleep.

You’ve been warned.

She’s the type of gal who never says no to “Would you like bacon with that?”

9. Construction workers, up yonder.

I learned that it’s always startling if any stranger tries to talk to you in a bank, but exceedingly more startling if they whisper “nice ass…” It’s like, do you want my number? My pin? Because it’s unclear.

You say the shower is for washing? I say it’s for peeing. Dare to tell me otherwise and you’re liable to get peed on.