One time when I had a stomach flu I thought I only had to fart.
We were still only 14, but it didn’t matter, because my eyebrows were as thin as Nicole Richie’s collarbone and I had myself a red Motorola flip phone.
It’s all wrong! It’s all just so wrong. The melody, the twerking, the whining voice making vulgar declarations such as “We run things, things don’t run we” and “Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life.”
Ideally you’ll be driving a BMW, Mercedes, or something of that stature, but if you find yourself in an Acura pickle, don’t worry, I got you covered.
More American soldiers die from suicide than from fighting in combat.
I was talking about genres of literature to my 3rd graders and I said something along the lines of, “Fantasy is something made up or that couldn’t happen, like Santa Claus.”
Like most of my dreams ever night of my life, a world teeming with anarchy and trench warfare figured prominently.
And although Bob Saget isn’t an insult comic, I still get insulted when people call him a comic.
16. After all these years here’s your answer as to why your man cheats…BECAUSE HE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!!
For reasons unknown, a predilection for scientology is often accompanied by closeted sexual preferences.