23 Undeniable Truths You’ll Only Relate To If You’ve Never Turned On Your Stove
By Rachel Hodin
1. Con Edison called your emergency contact number (re: your parents) to ask if you were still alive
2. You have too much admiration for Cup Noodles.
3. You don’t want to brag, but you have been known to cook up a mean chips & dip.
4. You sleep well at night knowing there are stacks of cooking materials (from when you used to be optimistic) in a cabinet that you can’t reach.
5. The rest have taken refuge in your oven, which you’re honestly afraid to open for fear that everything will come tumbling out and ultimately break your toe.
6. You’re really good at making eggs! You swear!
7. And you make a pretty good cocktail too, says no one but you.
8. You’d very much like to tell your Seamless delivery guy to quit judging you, but you really don’t want to make things any more uncomfortable for the next time you see him — tomorrow, that is.
9. Did you say you were good at making eggs? You meant Pop-Tarts! You’re really good at making Pop-Tarts.
10. Sometimes you look at the collection of spatulas in your kitchen, and you think “Why?” Ditto those tongs.
11. You do, however, use the shit out of your toaster oven — you will admit that.
12. The only reason you’ve even flirted with the idea of cooking is because of the cute apron you’d get to buy.
13. Your mom thought it was hilarious when you asked her how to cook potatoes. What she didn’t know was that even cooking potatoes was too big a task for you. So they rotted in your fridge instead.
14. You really hope your (future) kids like Easy Mac.
15. Sometimes you like to pretend you’re a capable adult by prancing around a grocery store and picking items only adults eat. Y’know like avocados, papaya, greek yogurt –things like that. Then when you get home and the adult schtick has grown stale, you mash your groceries up with your fingers and put it on your face instead.
16. In fact, pretty much everything that’s in your kitchen has been whipped up into a face mask at some point.
17. When you go to Gyu-Kaku, or any other cook-it-yourself restaurants, you act like a KING. What? It’s much less daunting when it’s all laid out for you.
18. You actually seek out studio apartments so you can have the excuse that you don’t enjoy cooking in your bedroom, thank you very much.
19. You’re genuinely not envious when your friends upload photos of a lasagna or rack of lamb they just made. To you, all that means is more dishes to clean.
20. But if you’re being honest, you have always been confused by those “Easy like Sunday Morning” Instagram posts. Nothing about homemade granola with fresh locally picked berries looks easy.
21. You like to think your immature taste buds are a result of your cooking disabilities. So you like your steak well done and your chicken dry — is that such a crime??
22. Whenever you go to friends’ houses for dinner parties, you try to stay out of the kitchen. Otherwise you just awkwardly end up in everyone’s way, trying to sneak bites of the pasta that’s still not finished, and just generally getting on everyone’s nerves.
23. Yet despite all of this, there’s no denying the fact that you feel like a top chef every time you mix a bunch of cereals in the same bowl at once.