With my Twitter followers hovering at 1400 for the past five or six months, it’s been easy to lose sight of my fans – to lose hope in their existence. But then I’m greeted with little, sweet nuggets like this:
Nuggets that make me exhale a big sigh of relief, and think: there you are. Don’t you hide from me again!
“Haters gonna hate.” A phrase that’s been uttered countless times, appropriated and then re-appropriated in innumerable iterations. Yet somehow, when uttered by Taylor Swift, the phrase manages to take on a whole new meaning – something fresh, something unheard of. I’ve been listening to Ms. Swift quite a bit recently – heeding her advice – and it’s done me well. The visceral strength behind her unabashed pronouncements – “I can make the bad guys good for a weekend” and “can’t stop won’t stop moving” – stand like pillars, keeping my self-doubt at bay. And, once again, Taylor mystifies me with her unrivaled advice: when the haters gonna hate (hate hate hate hate), she says, just shake it off (shake it off). Well, I did, Taylor…and it worked. But there’s something else nagging at me – something else I’d like to shake off. They’re not exactly haters, but they cling onto me almost exactly like those pesky haters do. One might say they’re worse than haters; they are, after all, fairly challenging to simply shake off. They’re skinny jeans. The new shake it off.
I’m not asking you to spend your day thinking about this – I’m not even asking you to devote any of your time to this topic. And frankly, I might not have had the time to think about this either – to use Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to segue into a story about skinny jeans – if it weren’t for my sweet Victoria’s Secret family and all the down time I’ve had – whether on the Victoria’s Secret plane or sitting backstage for makeup in my cropped Victoria’s Secret robe.
All I ask is that you shake your skinny jeans off, in favor of these. Such is my long-winded point.
1. Baggy jeans.
It’s not often that baggy jeans come in such a clean-cut package. Which is why it’s important to hold onto them when they do — for you don’t know if there will ever be another time when comfortable jeans double as office wear. Like the jeans that MM6 showed at their spring 2015 show — a gift to us women.
They would literally, and metaphorically, eat my skinny jeans whole.
2. Boot cut what-have-yous.
Boot cut pants are a tough cookie to crack. They live at the poles — they’re either stupendous or hideous, and there’s not much in between. So, how to know whether a pair of pants are boot cut or boot cut-it-out? A couple things to keep in mind: Boot cut pants do wonders for jumpsuits.
In general, boot cut pants are a hit-or-miss kind of thing. If they feel “hit” to you, they probably are. Like Marques’Almeida; they make a fine low-rise boot cut jean in a soft denim with frayed hems.
3. Military-style trousers.
Such as the various trousers seen at Marc Jacobs’ spring 2015 show.
Any doubts you had about their virtues over their denim, much skinnier counterpart will likely be squashed as soon as I lift up a pair of skinny jeans with my pinky finger and show you how easily they fit inside (and then get eaten alive by) one pocket on these Marc Jacobs trousers. And if you still have lingering doubts? Perhaps a note from Marc Jacobs on his spring 2015 show will help. “In the quest for individuality…people start fitting into these flocks and looking the same,” he said, reaffirming the trite ubiquity of the skinny jean.
4. The designer trouser.
Let me paint a picture for you. The construction worker who just spit a wad of phlegm into your hair? The same one who listed off the joyful acts he’d like to perform on your rump in between low, ominous hisses? He’s your skinny jean. Now; the man who triggers your sweat glands and forces you to revert to your 7-year-old, painfully shy self who used to snack on bologna slices in the elementary school library? Your designer trousers. The latter, as opposed to the former, lifts you up; they’ll give you fervor and inspiration. And who are these knights in shining armor? I’ll tell you who. They’re Louis Vuitton’s high-waisted, cropped, velvet trousers:
And Miu Miu’s printed, extra-long trousers from their resort collection:
5. Silk pants.
I only know of two silk pants that I could realistically own: the silk pants from the MM6 spring 2015 collection, and the ones living in my dreams.
Some silk pant points to consider: Do they look like those worn in the TLC music video for “Creep”? (They should.) And: How do they feel when worn commando? (Answer should be “wonderful.”)
6. Flared pants.
Though slightly different form a boot cut pant, flared pants are still equally at risk of failing. If your 2001 True Religion boot cut jeans are a boot cut fail, then the suede, extra butt-hugging bell bottoms your dad wore in the 70s are a flared fail. But, like the boot cut, flared pants have equally redeeming potentials too. Namely the Céline knit flared pants as well as Marc Jacobs’ flared pants made of a less luxurious knit:
And — oh. These Tom Ford flare pants.
The common theme here being: glorified pajamas that you could easily wear to a job interview.