1. Undercover leg jewelry.
I’m all for calf and upper-thigh jewelry — and especially if that jewelry is inspired by Bosch’s The Garden Of Earthly Delights. Why, then, did the plastic leg jewelry in Jun Takahashi’s Spring/Summer 2015 Undercover show look so undelightful?
Normally models withstand the pains of fashion like well-seasoned pros. But here Takahashi made no attempt to deceive — you could literally see the string practically cutting off the circulation in their legs, and the pointy ends of the garnishes digging into their very flesh. And so goes the tale of how wow-worthy garments became ow-worthy ones.
2. Having to pee while in Meadham Kirchoff’s runway looks.
Hey, here’s a scary thought! Having to take a pee while dressed in this Meadham Kirchoff getup.
There’s absolutely nothing about this outfit that is conducive to the day-to-day needs of humans — peeing, yes, but also walking, breathing, eating, stretching. Try untying the laces on those shoes with those gloves on. Get it? It’s a trap, because you can’t! But if you do decide to try, please let me know how that works out for you. I’ll be sitting on the toilet, waiting.
3. Putting on the Givenchy boots.
Givenchy attempted to send a subliminal message out to everyone in his Spring/Summer 2015 show: You can always make yourself look sexy, but know that this will be a lifelong and binding commitment. Riccardo Tisci may not have said this explicitly, but he did strongly suggest it with his new shoes, which look like they require a fancy mixture of fairy-dust powder and crocodile sweat to peel off.
4. Comme des Garçon ready-to-wear.
It’s not only the thought of hoisting this bad boy on that seems like a nearly impossible task. But even the mere thought of trying to put this on clothing hanger triggers an onset of hives. “Oh, eureka!!! I’ve found the sleeve!” a disgruntled fashion student might say. And then, “Wait — nope! that’s just the hanging, blood-splattered cotton appendage. Silly me!”
5. The hair at Balmain.
I’ve had my entire head of hair braided, I’ve slept with hot curlers in and I’ve gotten my hair twisted into an up-do so tight that I was sure it had robbed me of my ability to do simple math. And still, there is no hairstyle that is quite as unbearable as the one on the models at Balmain’s Spring/Summer 2015 show. Intentionally grease-soaked hair? I could feel their pain, in addition to the grease seeping onto their shiny foreheads and dripping down their backs. I had to jump in the shower after just browsing the photos on Style.com.
6. Trying not to stain your all-white Balmain outfit.
To ask someone to wear this outfit without getting any stains on it is to play a sick joke on that person. Unless you have four bodyguards to your person, each doubling as an umbrella holder, and unless those chokers shoot out Tide stain removal spray, then you should probably take your order at The Meatball Shop to go. After which you should really go see a therapist to talk out your long-suppressed insecurities that impelled you to wear such an outfit to The Meatball Shop.
7. Hailing a cab in this Balmain top.
It amazes me that people still buy tops and dresses in this shoulder-constricting style. I learned my lesson a long time ago after making the mistake of wearing a top like this out. Try hailing a cab wearing one of these and you’ll find that the options you’re left with are twofold. You can either hail a cab with a limp arm and a flick of the finger, and thus instantly shimmy on up to first place on everyone’s shit list. Or, you walk.
8. Wearing this Gareth Pugh outfit on the subway.
Sometimes fashion simply appears to be uncomfortable. Gareth Pugh’s Spring/Summer 2015 collection is definitely one of those, but it is also unequivocally devoid of any and all comfort. The inspiration for this piece were thistles — y’know, those prickly, thorny flowers? It seems perhaps the only place or circumstance that would call for such an outfit would be one that required you to stand still, like a life-size statue, for an extended period of time. But it is quite fun to imagine how one would fare wearing this on, say, the subway during rush hour. Everyone will loathe you — especially the gypsies who think you’re diverting all the attention from them. And you can forget about taking a gander at that display that says how long until your train is coming — frankly that should be the least of your worries when you are (for all intents and purposes) blind in what is arguably the dirtiest and most dangerous part of New York City.
9. Junya Watanabe’s head pieces.
Junya Watanabe’s Spring/Summer 2015 collection was many things, but cozy loungewear it was not. It was the makeshift, pseudo wig-hats, in particular, that I found especially troublesome. I imagine they allow very little neck movement. Which means you probably shouldn’t wear this if you’re, uh, planning to look anywhere aside from straight ahead. It just seems like it’d be hard to get used to; I can see people growing very frustrated attempting to run their fingers through their one-dimensional hair.
10. This Marques’Almeida Swarovski crystal top.
I find it hard to believe that the left nipple is not irritated, shrouded as it is behind a cluster of Swarovski crystals. Nor does this look very soothing, having your nipples chafed by the rough edges of finely chiseled crystals. I guess what they say is true. Beauty really is pain. And pain is chapped nipples.