7 Ways New York Punches Your Soul In The Summer

Seinfeld / Amazon.com
Seinfeld / Amazon.com

1. With their unforgiving fart clouds.

Oh, what do ya know! It’s 8am and I’ve inhaled seven fart clouds — and all without having had my morning coffee yet! The silver lining (if there is any) is that they train our bodies for maximum tolerance in the face of vomit-inducing situations. Which I guess is a good thing if we have a trip to the NYC sanitary department in the pipeline. Yep, smells like summer to me!

2. By laughing at our attempts to put on makeup.

Try putting on some eyeliner, then stepping outside into the thick, 98-degree NYC summer heat, and hopping onto the subway. Whatever happens — heat stroke, dehydration, etc — I promise that the immaculately drawn-on eyeliner will not be present to see it. It could end up smudged across your face, on your teeth, up your nose, but one thing’s for certain: it will not stay put. Even a couple dabs of blush won’t go unnoticed by the stifling heat. No, the heat will see our dabs of blush and raise us tingling pores — that distinct sensation of a pimple forming, which we are now familiar with, thanks to New York City summers.

3. By tricking us into taking refuge in one of Broadway’s massive tourist shops.

Broadway is a funny thing, isn’t it? Anyone who isn’t familiar with New York usually has a pretty romantic idea of what Broadways is like. In reality, New Yorkers loathe it; dread the mere thought of it. Nothing gets much worse than being stuck on Broadway in the piping hot summer heat, as tourists casually idle about on the sidewalk, forcing us to tackle the next upcoming block like we would an obstacle course on Family Double Dare. Which is why, when we’re delirious from the heat, we often make wild and hasty decisions that we would never ordinarily do — like stepping inside one of the innumerable Necessary Clothing stores. For some reason, the general rule is: the cheaper the store, the better the AC. And we will feel immediate relief upon stepping inside, but that relief will soon give way to naked terror as we realize the elbow grease we must use and the patience we must expend just to get out of there alive.

4. By continuing to sell shawarma via street carts.

It’s one thing to be hung over in the city at any time of the year, but it is quite another to be knee-deep in a NYC scorching-hot summer, and to innocently pass through — and, as a result, inhale — the fumes of a shawarma street cart. If you’re not hung over — don’t worry, now you are. And if you already are hung over? God speed to you, my friend.

5. By ensuring maximum thigh stickage.

Don’t’ be alarmed if, on your average Tuesday in mid-July, while waking through Soho, you peel a candy wrapper off the back of your thigh. You probably just sat down on a wrapper while riding the subway. Don’t worry, it’s probably been clinging to your thigh for the past six hours. No big deal.

6. By not exercising Singaporean laws.

We would to well to take after our Singaporean friends if we want to avoid contretemps like the one mentioned above. But we don’t and, because of that, New Yorkers are lazy when it comes to picking up after their dogs. It’s hardly tolerable in the winter when poop turns into frozen twig look-a-likes, but it’s wholly inhumane in the summertime when melting, hot, steaming pools of feces adorn the sidewalks.

7. By fooling us into thinking that the water leaking from AC units is a gift from God.

Another thing that happens to the city in the summer is an influx of AC units. It’s easy to fall prey to the fleeting gratification of a leaking AC unit — dripping cold drops of dirt water onto our heads — but don’t. It will feel good for three whole seconds and then bad, bad, bad. Like, toxic bad. Like, go-to-the-doctor bad. No seriously, run. TC mark

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