1. The Cranberries.
A quick visit to Urban Dictionary will tell you that “bae” is currently trending. But we don’t need to be told that, do we? A word most often chosen to spruce up an Instagram caption, bae is certainly seeing its heyday, sharing the spotlight with “turnt.” Bae was even beckoned by Pharrell in his recent ditty “Come Get It Bae,” featuring Miley Cyrus.
But long before Instagram and Miley’s collaborations with hip hop artists — actually, if Miley were a dude, her balls would yet to have even dropped — there lived another bae; the first bae, if you will. The zom…bae. The Cranberries released their song “Zombie” with their 1994 album No Need to Argue. And, unlike the current bae, the bae that lived in The Cranberries’ ’94 album was part of a grander statement on the 1916 Easter Rising and, perhaps most importantly, came first.
2. Jack Johnson.
If there’s one inanimate object that could sum up Jack Johnson, it would of course be the Birkenstock. And, even though Google images is telling me that he’s more of a Rainbow thong sandals kind-of-guy, I’m still sticking to this statement. They are, after all, the only shoes that would allow his toes much room to footsie with those bubbly toes he’s so fond of. My point is, the guy basically started the now-pervasive Birkenstock trend and Celine should probably consider hiring him.
Prudent as he was, Gilligan only held onto the bare minimum. And among the few things he needed to survive was a bucket hat — seemingly worn for no other purpose than to shade himself from the sun. So innocent, so pure…and downright fashionably ahead of the curve too. He was wearing the bucket hat 50 years ago, and yet I’ve heard nary a “thank you” or a “props” thrown his way. Riri, that means you.
4. Danny Tanner.
In an article I wrote about Normcore, I credited Jerry Seinfeld as one of the originators of this look. I concede now that this was a rushed observation and an inequity to the Tanner family, who so consistently and charitably imparted my childhood with weekly proverbs. When Seinfeld aired its first episode in 1989, Full House had already been on the air for two years. That means, for two whole years, while Jerry Seinfeld was doing God-knows-what, Danny Tanner was flexin’ and poppin’ in his hiked-up jeans, Nylon bombers, sweater vests and high white socks, building the foundation to what would soon become a freelance sculptor’s wardrobe.
5. Jan van Eyck.
Centuries ago, the Flemish painter Jan van Eyck whipped up a fancy little makeshift turban, threw it on, and unknowingly foretold our future. van Eyck could have painted anything, but the year was 1433 and he was feeling feisty, and so decided to stroke his own ego and turn the gaze on himself. Hard to imagine now, but at the time this was a novel idea. And while it’s definitely a stretch to call my selfies “self-portraits,” it’s also equally and abundantly clear that van Eyck was the first person to paint a selfie.
6. Charles Darwin.
To credit Darwin with our current knowledge of human development and natural selection is right and valid, but frankly, it also sells him a tad short. Because Darwin made some other, pretty crucial decisions that helped pioneer a currently-worshipped trend. Despite the dearth in Cara Delevignes, Hermoines, and Brooke Shields, Darwin made the bold and daring decision to let his eyebrows grow wild. Who told him to do this? Who suggested this might be a good idea? No one, which makes him the true spearhead of the bushy eyebrow movement.
7. Téwedros II.
Oh, you don’t know him? You mean you’re not familiar with Téwedros II, the Ethiopian emperor from 1855 to 1868? Well, James Franco, you really should be; he is the guy whose hairstyle you stole and then repackaged with a grill (the corn rows, that is). And no, Riff Raff, this doesn’t mean you’re off the hook either.
What comes natural to a toad, we tend to scour the shelves of local thrift shops for: camouflage. Not that we would ever think to accredit a toad, would we? Nor the Leaf-Tailed Gecko, the Stick Insect, or the Common Baron Caterpillar for that matter.
9. The Ancient Egyptians.
I don’t know what all this hullabaloo is surrounding the exposed nipple trend, but I’m certainly not falling for it. Everyone was all up in an uproar over Kendall Jenner’s Marc Jacobs nipples and her decision to, again, show them — this time for Interview Magazine. Meanwhile, Rihanna has basically written off clothes altogether (but not Swarovski crystals, God bless her), which has been another point of contention. What I want to know is: Why? A couple pretty, bare nipples are enough to make front-page news, as if this is the first time we’ve all seen such a display of nudity. How about Ancient Egypt though, hmmm? Do those words mean anything to you?
Two pairs of nipples in a couple months? Try thousands of years during which a whole population of Ancient Egyptians considered nudity the norm. Here’s a quote about Ancient Egypt in Wikipedia that could easily pass off as a description of Riri’s outfit at the CFDA Awards:
Women commonly wore a loose draped or see-thru fabric. Women entertainers performed naked.
As the old saying goes, another Friday, another perfect opportunity to put Jared Leto in his place. Jared and his hairstylist should do what they will with his hair! My only bone to pick is with Jared’s attitude; just don’t be all twisting your hair up into a man bun and then walking around like you’re some sort of trailblazer, is all I’m asking. Go ahead and wear your bun — it’s fine, whatever — but at least give a nod to the man, without whom your bun would be naught. That’s Buddha, if you haven’t already caught on.