A Basic Bitch’s 28 Worst Nightmares

GIRLS / Amazon.com
GIRLS / Amazon.com

1. Starbucks gets her name wrong, causing her to choke on her pumpkin spice latte.

2. While trying to take a picture of a rainbow, a car speeds past her and splashes her with street water.

3. She live-Tweets her first time rocking a romper, only to find out 8 hours later that it’s actually a Snuggie.

4. She went colorblind; can’t color-coordinate closet.

5. In the never-ending game of “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” her other friend beat her to the punch and shot Charlotte York first, leaving her with only one option: Miranda’s housekeeper.

6. Her sunset Instagram was reported.

7. She asked for the Joan Holloway haircut (from Mad Men) and got the Amber Rose.

8. She discovers that her statement necklace is actually made out of semen (a pearl necklace, if you will).

9. Her email was hacked into and someone unsubscribed her from J.Crew’s email list.

10. She tries to have a potluck, but everyone brings weed.

11. Starbucks discontinues their holiday-themed cups.

12. She discovers that the doubled-up neon Abercrombie polo look is not edgy.

13. Speaking of which, she overheard someone stealing her line “edge it up” and fainted.

14. She farted really loud and ruined her eat-16-Handles-while-watching-SixteenCandles night.

15. Someone asks her if she’s a Scorpio (when she’s obviously a bona fide Leo).

16. While throwing a dinner party, a guest drunkenly poops in her terrarium.

17. Getting caught in the rain with her new lavender Uggs.

18. The heel on her statement shoe breaks.

19. Bath & Body Works stops making vanilla-scented candles.

20. She always thought the signature on her Gmail was an Audrey Hepburn quote, but turns out it was actually said by Grimes.

21. Her beanie flies off, exposing her hat hair! How mortifying!

22. Her front-facing camera is broken forever.

23. Chris Evans gets married.

24. Her #soulsperation instructor at Soul Cycle relocates to LA the week before she needs to look HOT in her new bodice dress.

25. She places a delivery order at her favorite burrito spot and the guy who works there recognizes her voice (and remembers her order)! So embarrassing!

26. Someone tells her that her spirit animal is the Long-tongued Nectar Bat (But I’ve always thought I was a bunny rabbit in a past life, she’d whine).

27. Bo Concept goes out of business.

28. She looks in the mirror and realizes she’s basic. TC mark

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