1. Being afraid of the hair salon.
This reticence isn’t just born out of nowhere, it’s rooted in actual trauma. Like, we’re sorry — truly — that we were blessed with silky hair and an oval face that’s not suited for pixie cuts. And I’m sorry, too, that my hairstylist didn’t hear me when I said “SPLIT ENDS ONLY” and decided, instead, that she needed to make me look as much like Zac Efron as humanly possible.
2. Buying a pair of shoes that’s two sizes too small.
When we say we “need” something — say, a piece from the new Moschino collection or a Celine coat — we’re not speaking figuratively. There’s a reason we use the word “need”; we, quite literally, do need it in order to remain alive and well. Which is why we’ll make seemingly “irrational” decisions when it comes to shopping — buying a cropped top that looks like air conditioning installation, perhaps, or a pair of shoes that are two sizes too small. As we see it, the pinky toe is already moot and, as we continue to evolve, it’ll soon disappear — so what if we crush it wearing doll-size shoes? We’re just expediting the process.
As diamonds are forever, so too are shoes, but bunions don’t have to be (they can be surgically removed).
3. Leaving work to take a poop.
It’s rare that the work bathroom is a peaceful place. Usually it looks more like the pits of hell and feels that way too when we’re trying to orchestrate a cacophony of loud noises to drown out the sounds emanating from our bum. Every time I spy the work bathroom I catch myself shaking my head vehemently from side-to-side and thinking, “No, no, no. Absolutely not.” I’ll take the much more complicated route any day, the one where I leave work and set forth on a hajj to find the nearest public bathroom. Frankly, I’ll take anything so long as it’s out of HR’s earshot. So next time a female coworker abruptly gathers her stuff and exits the office, leave the poor girl alone, would you? Let her escape in peace.
4. Planning to marry a guy we haven’t even met.
Yeah, maybe he doesn’t know us yet, but this is all just one small step in our grand, master plan to get him to elope. GOD, how vapid are you??
5. Thinking we’re pregnant every couple seconds.
It does seem like a silly concern until we realize, wait, a fetus growing inside my belly isn’t silly at all — it’s real, definitely attainable, and something I typically don’t want to have to worry about on top of updating my resume. After a woman goes through her first pregnancy I imagine she’s better at detecting it the next time and that these scares are less and less frequent, but until then, I’m not taking any chances.
6. Crying alone to Sheryl Crow.
If the mere, plain fact of being alone and listening to Sheryl Crow isn’t enough to spark a tearfest then her raspy voice cooing “Cause you can’t change the way I am…” will. Interestingly, those who can listen to Sheryl Crow without shedding a tear deserve Ke$ha.
7. Getting mad when someone tells us they wouldn’t sleep with our best friend.
Their entire reasoning that I shouldn’t be offended by this because I’m not “her” is intrinsically flawed. Not only do we share the same blood (#soulsisters), but we even share thongs and made an agreement to marry if neither of us finds a man by 40. We are cut from the same cloth; two peas in a pod. If one gets hurt, the other gets hurt too.
8. “Wait. What if I never took my tampon out?”
It makes sense that men should find this “irrational,” but here’s another thought to mull over: no. Spend a handful of weeks plugging your body with cotton sticks and you’ll start to see the world differently too. There’s also this fun, very real possibility of Toxic Shock Syndrome, a life-threatening disease that sometimes occurs when a tampon is left in too long.
9. $300 face cream.
Not many things in life promise us moisture and a slow aging process quite like a $300 face cream does. Or rather, some things in life do promise us this but they’ll usually either taste like twigs or have a tendency to talk back to us. Face moisturizer does neither of these things. It doesn’t have to be wooed or tricked into dating us either. And it won’t leave us with an STD. All-around superb life partner, if you ask me.