7 Ways To Spot A Real Guy’s Girl

There's Something About Mary / Amazon.com
There’s Something About Mary / Amazon.com
I had my foray into the world of being a guy’s girl. It was during my junior year of college when it dawned on me that I could only tolerate two people at my school — both of whom happened to be boys. I was also in a serious, long-distance relationship at the time and so had no real interest in branching out and meeting other girls either. Sure, being a guy’s girl was fun while it lasted, but I’m glad that phase of my life is over. Because sometimes all you need is a nice, full bosom to cushion your fall.

1. She doesn’t tell people that she’s a guy’s girl.

It’s hard to say which specific traits, in a nutshell, define a guy’s girl, but one irrefutable sign that she’s not a guy’s girl is if she profess to be one. A self-possessed guy’s girl is inherently an oxymoron; being a real guy’s girl should always feel natural and never forced. And to have the specific agenda of appearing to be a guy’s girl means she’s already lost.

2. She can drink her guy friends under the table (with beer).

Results, people. Hard, palpable results — that’s what we’re looking for. A guy’s girl doesn’t sheepishly sip on a glass of chardonnay — no, she shotguns beers, sometimes even at home by herself. When she goes to a beer garden, she knows exactly what to order. And she can keep up with her guy friends’ pace, while still keeping her composure the entire time.

3. She can talk to guys about masturbating without getting grossed out.

Essentially, she can be Sarah Silverman in the first episode of Louie, season 4. If you’ll kindly direct your attention to that episode, you’ll notice that Sarah was included in the all-guys poker night. To make matters hairier, everyone in attendance is a comedian. And yet, just look at her poise! Amidst a group of fat, middle-aged, truly depressing single men detailing at length their saddest jerk-off stories, Sarah is not only nonplussed, but wholly tickled by it too! What’s more, she even chimes in, unafraid to admit to a group of guys that, when she’s not masturbating, she’s always “pressing on it.” It’s no surprise, then, that she also knows to give credit where credit is due — namely, Nick DiPaolo’s comeback, “like a panini?”

4. She’s not overly sensitive.

Spend a good amount of time living in a frat house and you’ll learn quite a lot (my long-distance ex-boyfriend was in a frat). Namely, that guys (and especially guys in LA) like to call each other “gay” a lot. I knew my time as a guy’s girl had run its course when I jumped to my friend’s defense as a couple guys in his frat were calling him gay. I ended up scolding the bullies and forced them to apologize. That’ll show them, I thought. It didn’t.

5. She knows that a collection of jerseys won’t cut it.

She’ll probably be able to ride the “guy’s girl” wave, almost unnoticed, for a period of time, but eventually others will catch on and her little jersey jig will be up. You see, procuring various jerseys, and then wearing them out a lot, does not a guy’s girl make. And unfortunately neither does throwing up a peace sign and saying “Go Nets.”

6. She can listen to other guys talk about girls and not recoil.

Being a guy’s girl means she’ll spend the majority of her time with guys and, unless it’s a really progressive bunch of guys she rolls with, then she also won’t be able to have a very strong or coherent feminist agenda. One cannot be a guy’s girl and vehemently feminist. Instead she must listen to guys talk about girls — objectify girls, make fun of other girls, and gawk or praise them. And, all the while, it’s important that she errs on the side of passivity and not be the type to get easily offended.

7. Her burps are louder than her guy friends’ burps.

If you can’t burp then bye, you’re already out of the running. (Yes, that means you T-Swift. Out we go.) It’s important that, as a guy’s girl, you can not only burp, but burp loud. It’s also important that you’re unfazed by burps too. Crucial to being a guy’s girl is forging a safe space for guys when you’re around them. And there’s no better way to say “I’m chill like Michelle Rodriguez” than a big ol’ beefy burp. TC mark

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