1. When your stalkée goes privée.
And don’t mind the accent aigu — I figured it couldn’t hurt, and might even add some class to a generally classless article.
Do you guys have someone you stalk on Instagram? What am I saying — of course you do! Someone who’s always resting right at the top of your “users” list when you attempt to “explore”? Stalking a stranger always feels weird enough, but let it be known: it can get weirder. And this typically occurs when your stalkee suddenly goes private on dat ass. I won’t lie; it’s not the greatest feeling. I remember when this happened to me my paranoia skyrocketed as if I was suddenly back in high school and my parents had just found my pot. It felt as if someone was watching me; as if my stalkee had suddenly become the stalker, had found me out and was on the hunt for revenge. I spent the entire night awake, eyes darting back and forth, and certain that my stalkee was hiding in my closet.
2. Double tap your significant other’s ex.
Ah, the double tap. If only it wasn’t so easy then instances of accidental double taps would surely be more infrequent. But fact is: it is easy, and we must be careful. Because it’s always fun when you’re innocently browsing your man’s ex on Instagram — y’know, just to re-up on the perverse self-loathing — and double tap a photo of her in a bikini. And by fun I mean mortifying and not fun at all.
3. Type someone’s name into your Facebook status, rather than Facebook’s search bar.
Facebook does realize that the search bar and status update box are nearly identical, right? Why do that to us? No, I mean it. Seriously. Why? When I was a senior in high school me and my best friend were both dating freshmen at the same University. My friend had her dude’s Facebook password and, as our dudes both hung out in the same crowd, she did me the favor of giving me the password as well. But then one day I blew it for both of us when, in a desperate and hasty mood, I typed the name of a girl I only knew from meticulous Facebook stalking (and who I was suspicious of, for no good reason at all) into my best friend’s boyfriend’s Facebook status instead of his search bar.
Clearly casualties have been had. So all I ask of you, Facebook, is why?
4. An uncomfortable swipe right.
After using Tinder for a week, here’s what I’ve gleaned:
- Don’t Tinder in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
- Nothing beats Tindering in St. Barts.
- When in doubt: Tinder on the toilet.
- And never swipe your friends right.
As for the last point: it’s a nice gesture, but I’m telling you, not worth it. The seriousness behind the swipe is never certain, and it’s also never fun to see a Tinder match IRL — which is inevitable if you swipe your friend right. You’ll exchange some of these:
And then maybe one or two of these:
And then one of you will slip up and say something like “I’m lonely…,” it will get awkward, and things between you two will never again be the same.
5. Being called out on a Snapchat screenshot.
It’s been said that, should you screenshot a Snapchat, the person who sent the Snapchat will be informed of your screenshot. I always thought this was a myth — an urban legend, if you will — until the other day when I did just that and was called out by the Snapchat sender.
Well, what’s it to you, little lady? We all know there’s only one reason to screenshot a Snapchat, and that’s if we want to make fun of it/you. Be smart; don’t make me spell it out for you.
6. Getting InstaFollow updates.
Social media is a cauldron of opportunities — namely, opportunities for humiliation. And just recently we were awarded with yet another social media-related platform and thus the possibility of another, fresh and new type of humiliation. The name’s InstaFollow, and it’s an app that tells you who has unfollowed you on Instagram. Great for the self-esteem, since you asked. Download InstaFollow and you’ll get sweet, feel-good updates like this:
7. Finding out your cousin blocked you on Instagram.
Another perk of the InstaFollow app is you’ll be informed even when your own family unfollows you. Recently it’s come to my attention that my younger cousin has not only unfollowed me, but she has blocked me as well. Well God damn.
Yet despite how inadequate this made me feel, I still couldn’t find a time to bring it up in person that didn’t feel stupid. I tried to confront her about it at our Passover Seder and ended up asking her to pass the bitter herbs instead.