1. A boho-chic look is to Coachella as literacy is to college acceptance; one cannot exist without the other. And if you’ve taken even a glance at Coachella photos, then you know that flower headbands abound. Why? Well the better question would perhaps be: why not? And I can actually think of a couple good reasons to not wear a flower headband; namely, allergies. And so, yes, it would be safe to assume that, unlike many of us, Vanessa Hudgens has managed to steer clear of pollen and dust allergies because she loves herself a good flower headband. The only problem is: the final product looks less like Mila Jovovich à la Dazed and Confused and more like an Etsy model.
2. You won’t be able to smoke with Snoop; there, I said it. Honestly, I can’t blame you; if I were going to Coachella I’d have high hopes too. But let’s not fool ourselves either. Unless you’ve found love in a hopeless place (such as in those sweet droopy Drake eyes), are a self-possessed bad gal, or have a personal Instagram photographer, you will not have even the slightest chance of smoking with Snoop. Given this, I hope you reconsider your hasty decision.
3. Every year, little trends trickle their way down into the piping hot desert that’s home to Coachella; trends that are subtle, but pervasive. And my guess is that this year we’ll be seeing a lot of cornrows. Tight-ass cornrows that pull at the eyebrow arches and leave you hard of hearing. And so, again, a lack of cornrows-braiding skills should be reason enough to reconsider your entire trip.
4. Because, I’ve thought about it, and paying to see a hologram rap just seems silly.
I’m not here to argue that the Tupac hologram wasn’t awesome — because it was. But if I’m going to put an entire paycheck towards a concert, I’d like to think it’s due to a vague interest in live performances, rather than a vague interest in laser, interference, diffraction, light intensity recording and illumination (the devices used to make a hologram, according to Wikipedia). Then again, there’s a very high chance that I’m a poser too, in which case this fact would have little influence on my decision.
5. I’ve always imagined there to be a Spiderman impersonator at the entrance of Coachella warning all the people, “With right of entry comes great contemplation…of whether or not Brandon Davis is still relevant.” I imagine trying to have fun during the various performances, but being distracted as questions fill my mind like, “But was Brandon Davis ever really relevant to begin with?” Thoughts that become moot as I watch him walk in tandem with Paris Hilton as he screams to his assistant on the phone, “I said to pack me SPF 50! Now my neck is going to peel and it’s all your fault!” And then it hits you: Brandon Davis was never relevant, but at Coachella he somehow is.
6. You’re not really in the mood to see Vanessa Hudgens in a floppy hat either.
This concern is quite similar in nature to the Vanessa-Hudgens-flower-headband dilemma, except louder and floppier.
7. You’ve done the calculations and it would appear you have nary a set of shoulders to perch on, let alone a head to roll a joint on.
Which means you’re really not Rihanna — like officially now — and should not even bother going.
8. You are not familiar with a single artist who is playing. It’s a widely accepted rule amongst free spirits and self-confessed hippies that each flower headband, suede fringed vest, floppy hat, white crocheted top, and pair of feather earrings you own makes up for each artist on the Coachella lineup who you’re not familiar with. Simple math; straightforward algebra.
9. You’re broke. And paying for Coachella means using up all the money left in that savings account your mom set up for you incase you ever needed to get an abortion. Coachella (and baby) forever!!