1. Certain modern-day words are lost to you.
I find myself indignant that kids these days are dumbing themselves down with such buffoonery. I hear “turnt” all the time, but apparently I haven’t a lick of an idea of what it’s supposed to mean. For example I angled my TV so that I could watch it in bed and declared that my TV was “turnt” only to find out that I used the word incorrectly. It all sounds very fishy to me…
2. You reprimand your parents.
I walked into my parents’ room the other day and smelled a strong and stale stench of cigarette smoke. My parents came in and found me, arms crossed, standing with a stern look on my face. “Have you two been smoking in here??” I demanded to know. My mom jumped to her defense: “No! No, I swear. This woman moved in upstairs who smokes a ton and — wait. Get the fuck out of here with that! I don’t need to explain myself to you…” “We’ll see about that…” I said. I turned on my heel and, on my way out, screamed, “Guess who’s on dishes duty tonight!” I thought I heard my mom respond “Rachel, go home, you don’t even live here,” but I can’t be sure (the hearing has gotten bad too)!
3. Your drink of choice is now whiskey on the rocks.
And it was a seamless, natural change-up too. It probably happened after a particularly hard day at work — maybe you visited the bar on your street by yourself and stole a sip of a stranger’s whiskey. Either way, it’s now your go-to drink, whiskey on the rocks. Sometimes you even let out a dramatic Don Draper-like exhale after a sip.
4. Each hangover is worse than the last.
Speaking of that whiskey: it’ll come back in the morning and will make sure to kill all productivity you were hoping for during the day. It will take your favorite food and — BOOM — transform it into a steaming hot turd. Try and fall back asleep and the whiskey will be all, “Nooo, don’t be a bore! Stay up with me! Let’s have some fun!” as it incessantly twitches your eyelid up-and-down, up-and-down, until you break out into a Pneumonia-like cold sweat and are convinced that the end is nigh. You can’t image a hangover getting any worse than this, yet the next time you go out your hangover defies all odds and does, somehow, feel worse than the last.
5. Sally Draper.
That is all.
6. People start to think you’re rude.
Not because of anything you did, but because of things you actually didn’t do. Namely, saying hi to your friend on the street who is clearly waving to you. It’s not that you’re trying to be a bitch, but rather that your stubborn. Your vision has been 20/20 your whole life, so now that your eyesight is starting to fail you, you’re in denial. You tell everyone that “blurry is the new black” because that’s what you truly think.
7. You like being asked for your ID now.
As an 8th grader, the most dreaded question was always “ID?” My heart would race as I’d fish out the fake ID from MacDougal street whose lamination wasn’t peeling off and put on my best poker face. Now, I can’t get asked that enough. “Oh you’re so silly!” I’ll sometimes say, really loudly, so that everyone around me knows how young I ostensibly look. “So what you’re saying is…I don’t look a day over 18, is that correct?” “Mam, I didn’t say that, it’s just state policy that w — ” “No, it’s okay. I mean, I’ve been told that my skin looks like a porcelain doll’s, so it makes sense that you’d think I was 17.” This typically goes on for another 30 minutes until the waiter gives up, says “Know what? Never-fucking-mind,” and brings me my whiskey.
8. Windex is on your “Need To Buy” list.
Hey, do you ever make lists of things you need to buy? Well here’s a fun game: take a gander at these lists and notice how they’ve changed over the years. Maybe as a 7-year-old your “to buy” lists included “Tamagotchi” or “Clueless on VHS,” implying innocence, realness, and maybe even a bit of creativity. Now take a hard a look at your “to buy” list today. I bet it includes windex or some sort of toxin, right? This isn’t a coincidence; it’s there for a reason. This is your life now — windex, that is — in all of its toxicity.
9. You can no longer watch the same episode of the Kardashians twice.
And so it was, that on a Sunday night, I turned my TV to the Kardashians, for a mindless re-run, and found myself incapable of this seemingly simple act. My eyes refused to work — they simply refused to see Kris Jenner’s dog collar in all of its glory. And my ears were no longer immune to Kourtney’s shrieks. My God, the shrieks! It wasn’t so much of a choice as it was a necessity. What I saw was nothing short of a reinterpretation of Sloth from The Goonies…except multiplied.
10. Your parents are no longer as protective over you as they once were.
Things that used to illicit $20 from your dad and constant, worried texts are now met with a long, shrill silence. “Okay…well I guess that means I’m off…to the depths of the NYC subway system…and at such a late hour too! God, I hope I don’t get raped and pillaged!” I’ll say as I’m on my way out of my parents’ house, trying to arouse the tiniest bit of concern. And yet such a threat does not seem to have the same effect on them as it once did. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a “have you left yet?” and a light nudge towards the door.