1. Blue Ivy’s babysitter.
On I BET you’d like to nab this job, wouldn’t you? You’re probably typing “Beyoncé babysitter” into MediaBistro.com right now. Well GET IN LINE, buddy, because I thought of it first.
2. Jared Leto’s hairstylist.
Yes, I’ve given him some slack, but the truth is I genuinely respect the man — no one is crowned the “king of ombré” without the necessary qualifications; it’s a serious title. I’ve also taken to cutting my own hair and have realized it’s not all that hard! I could do this, Jared, i know it. Just close your eyes, take my hand, and have a little faith.
3. Tom Cruise’s “wife.”
I could be on the path to a Pulitzer (perhaps I already am!) and I would still drop everything if asked to take Katie’s place as Tom’s stand-in beard. Getting paid to eventually get more money? No questions; done, over, bye.
4. Kristin Cavallari.
Watching the always-impressive E! Oscars pre-show this past Sunday, it suddenly occurred to me that, somehow, somewhere, Kristin Cavallari is still relevant. She was one out of the four fashion panelists, sitting amongst Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic, and the Executive editor of Harper’s Bazaar. And for what? What has she even done to garner our attention? No, really; I’m asking you. I literally forget.
And yet, she’s clearly an anomaly — an exception — and a force to be reckoned with. With every poor choice and disappointing career move she’s made, she seemed to move up a rung in the entertainment ladder. She has a Benjamin Button-esque career going on. The less she tries, the more she gets.
5. Kendall Jenner’s tutor.
As the Kardashians continue to grant us the pleasure of keeping up with them, as Kendall’s legs continue to grow at an uncanny rate, and as Bruce continues to morph into an alien-like creature, we all seem to be ignoring the one, massive elephant in the room. “The first thing I want to do when I turn 18 is move out of the house,” Kendall told the world. And not ONCE was there even a fleeting mention of college. Then it occurred to me: le doiiiiiiiiii, a tutor! Kendall obviously has a tutor. And I do — I think I could be that tutor that she needs.
6. A personal shopper and/or stylist.
I know what you’re thinking: But this can’t be a real, stable, well-paid job, can it? And to that I say yes indeed! Having worked in retail for over a year, I watched throngs of stylists come in and hardly break a sweat over what Ciara, Cassie or Solange will be wearing on stage. To be a stylist takes little more than having good taste, and it pays off unjustifiably well.
7. Khloe Kardashian’s therapist.
I remember thinking, while watching the Kardashian episode when Khloe sees a therapist, “Nooooo, really? I thought Khloe had no memories of her childhood because she was abducted by the type of aliens whose sole aim is to clear humans of their conscience.” No SHIT she’s repressed all of her childhood memories because of trauma and a deep-seated fear of facing this trauma. I could have told her that in 30 seconds, and I bet my price per hour would not have been as costly.
8. A clerk at the Feminist Bookstore.
As in the one featured on Portlandia. It would just be nice and comforting to know that your work place is also a safe space — free from masculinity and overt, uncontrolled horniness. To be working amongst feminist comrades who know their priorities and never lose sight of them. To nosh on GORP, feel constantly constipated, and scorn younger women for dressing promiscuously…
9. Khloe Kardashian’s BFF.
I realize I’ve given Khloe Kardashian (and frankly the whole clan) more face time than she deserves, but I can’t help the fact that the Kardashians hire droves of people for menial work and exorbitant pay — I just can’t. And while not all of the positions look appealing, Malika’s job as Khloe’s stand-in BFF DEFINITELY does. She gets all the perks of the job: she was there for the Kanye-Kim engagement, is always present for family fun time, and is perennially invited to their place for free lunches, and without the pressure of commitment too; she’s mentioned having “another job” that she needs to tend to. She’s even carved a stable niche for herself on the show as the relatively modest girl and the voice of reason. And I bet her weaves are paid for too.
10. Riri’s personal joint roller.
I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Rihanna must have someone on call, constantly, as her personal joint roller — and really, could you even make up a better job? It might be kind of demanding, because Riri doesn’t seem to LET UP, but if you think about it, she’s high all the time anyway and so is presumably a rather chill boss. Another added perk: the possibility of her asking you to roll a joint made of diamonds, and a couple carats “accidentally” falling into your shoe or purse
11. A sugar baby.
Three 6 Mafia believed it was hard out here for a pimp, but I’m willing to argue that the life of a sugar baby isn’t all that easy either. It takes work: maintaining your looks and that youthful glow, and feigning interest in an older man but not before FINDING
an older man (a daddy, if you will) with good taste and too much money. So while it is work, it’s also fun work. And the pay-off is prodigious.
12. The human who Amy Poehler bounces ideas off of.
As a seasoned comedian, Amy Poehler has had enormous success, which means she’ll always have a lot to live up to. For that reason, she doubtless has a whole army of people whose sole job is to just sit and let Amy test her jokes on them. I’ve been told that I’m a good friend because I always laugh at my friends’ jokes, HOWEVER, if called upon, I can be mighty discretionary with my LOLs too. And it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to assume that Amy is in the market for more of these human bouncing boards — after splitting with fellow comedian Will Arnett, she presumably lost a fantastic writing buddy.
13. The person who comes up with fake band names for Jimmy Kimmel.
I would never wish to sell my life away to primetime television and become a talk show host, but I would like to have a say in some of the late-night skits. For instance, I’m confident that I would excel at thinking up fake band names for Jimmy Kimmel to use when he does his annual “Son The Coachella Assholes” skit by asking them if they’re going to see made-up band names. I would excel and, most importantly, would be grateful for the opportunity.
14. Riri’s Instagram photographer.
Not to be confused with her eternally on-call regular photographer, Riri’s Insta photog, while never not on-call too, is inevitably much closer to her than the regular photog. Part of the Insta photog’s job is to get up-close and personal with Ri — she’ll be right there, in the bathroom as Riri steps out of the shower, and as the regular photog waits outside. Toting an iPhone for a camera, she’s also inconspicuous, seen by the public as nothing more than one of Riri’s genuine homies. And she’ll have Rihanna’s number too as well as endless text conversations with the Bad Gal, as her job obviously entails sending Rihanna all of the photos she snaps.
15. The Soup Nazi.
I’m sure this would get slightly monotonous and the air a bit damp with steaming hot bowls of borscht and matzoh ball soup smothering you, but the power trip would make it all worth it. To have the power to satiate or starve hordes of businessmen and businesswomen working in midtown would be an enormous delight.