1. A feature that allows you to undo a swipe left on Tinder.
Tinder has taught me two things:
- My type, which is evidently ethnically ambiguous.
- That within a five mile radius of me, ugly men abound.
After swiping left 45 times you’d think the allure of the app would start to wane, but it doesn’t. Even on the street — IRL, as it were — I find myself zeroing in on a guy, closing one of my eyes, blotting the dude’s face out with my thumb, and attempting to swipe him left. A “bitch, i didn’t even ask you out” usually follows but by then I’m long gone, trying to swipe other unattractive men off of the sidewalk and into oncoming traffic. I’ve even found myself gesticulating the swipe left motion in my sleep. My point is: when that rare moment finally comes when a banging dude shows up on Tinder, I often swipe him left out of pure instinct and then spend the rest of my waking hours cursing the expert reflexes in my opposable thumbs to hell. It would make worlds of a difference if we could undo an accidental swipe left. Everyone deserves a second chance; everyone makes mistakes?
2. A ban on deceptive marketing ploys.
I was stuffing my face with Flinstones sour gummy vitamins yesterday when I noticed this on the packaging: “Now with Vitamin D!” Oh, “now” you say? Is that so? Now you add Vitamin D? I’ve always assumed D to be a pretty standard vitamin along with A, B, and C…what was it doing missing from a multivitamin in the first place?
We might all be more informed if we outlawed these marketing ruses. We’d probably be less confused too; shit doesn’t get vaguer than “Now with 30% less sodium!” Less sodium than what? Than a bottle of soy sauce? Than the version of the product you were selling before? Than the amount I keep stored in my butt?
3. 11th-grade-level education required for all people.
Why must it always be the least educated ones who we choose to elevate to stardom? It’s literally just poor planning.
Watching Bieber’s deposition the other day was sort of the clincher for me; it was then that I realized how stupid one human can be. It dawned on me when Bieber looked straight into the camera, earnestly — almost seductively, as if we were Selena Gomez’s hoo-ha and he was about to dive right in — and said, “I do believe I’ve been very detrimental to my career.” But rather than correcting the 20-year-old with a 7-year-old’s intellect, his team quickly tried to cover it up: “Instrumental! He said instrumental!”
It was clear Bieber would never learn his lesson, or any lesson for that matter — he’s too coddled; too far gone — when he continued to stare blankly into the camera and quietly added, “Instrumental…” with no sign of recognition or even consciousness on his face. The proof:
4. If we all unanimously decided to boycott Twitter bios.
It’s fun to come up with your Twitter bio, isn’t it? i bet it is. To think up as many permutations of “fun-loving, with a sense of humor to match!” as you possibly can. Hey, I got a question for you: Are you a “life-lover”? Umm…”rainbow chaser” anyone?? How about “wanderlust”? Are you a “wanderlust”???
Point taken. However, just as an alternative, how about…NO? How about we boycott these bios altogether so that all the “daydreamers” and “animal lovers” out there can stop devastating our perfectly nice days?
5. Cheap coconut water.
After discovering that Juice Press is on Seamless and subsequently losing ever penny to my name, it has come to my attention that coconut water is quite possibly my biggest and most detrimental weakness. Here’s what I don’t get: Why is this juice so different from all other juices? Why can we purchase orange juice at a newsstand in the subway station, but coconut water is a rarity treated like liquid gold? As a self-possessed coconut water addict, it’s crucial that we redress this issue lest you want me homeless and crashing on your couch.
6. A revamping of eBay.
eBay may be the tits, but if it is then those tits are definitely fake. My relationship with eBay could be summed up in a few words: “toxic,” “detrimental,” even “homeless-inducing.” And eBay’s word choice isn’t doing much to help my cause.
Hey eBay, here’s a thought: Why not just say it like it is? Enough with the word “winning” — just leave that word alone already. Because, know what? It’s enormously misleading. Telling someone they “won” a Fendi bag is very different from telling someone “You’re forced to buy this Fendi bag, though it is at a discounted price.” We aren’t “winning” anything here except maybe a better credit score.
7. Issuing a moratorium on the word “abuzz.”
If “abuzz” were a purse it would be this style Balenciaga purse (re: OVER):
If it were a human it would actually be two humans: Nick Carter and Paris Hilton. If it were a song it would be “Blurred Lines” and if it were a human body part it’d be Giuliana Rancic’s clavicle. Make it stop.
8. Breakfast tacos.
For all the hype around breakfast burritos, just imagine how tacos must feel? How have they been neglected in this genre of food and for this long? How have we not yet made this into a thing: hard-shell tacos stuffed with runny eggs, pepper jack cheese, chopped tomatoes and hot sauce. How?
9. Some sort of humane element to Seamless.
O.K. I get that Seamless will probably never implement a spending limit feature because why would they want to take away from their sales? But would it be so much to ask for some humanity? A little human empathy? even a smidgen of ethical reasoning added to the mix would help us Seamless junkies out enormously.
Something that could, say, calculate the number of times you’ve ordered fried chicken and then cut you off when you’re on the brink of a heart attack. Or a merciful feature that could at least warn you when you’re about to hit your 10k mark with Juice Press…? Just some food for thought.
10. The option to not see the cover of the New York Post.
In NYC you have to make a real effort to avoid that day’s cover of the New York Post; it’s practically omniscient. But what if we don’t want to see it? What if we happen to wake up in a good mood, invigorated to start the day, and maybe — I don’t know — DON’T want to be accosted by a photo of this week’s “Poor Little Rich Girl”? We should all have that option.
11. No smiling on the subway.
Smiling on the subway needs to be nixed altogether because frankly it’s too confusing. First there’s the initial screening the smiling human must inevitably go through: are you a serial rapist or are you not? If the answer is the latter then we’re now tasked with figuring out what in the hell it is that’s making you smile at us. Which brings me to my ultimate point: there’s never a good enough reason to smile at a stranger on the subway. It’s startling; it’s terrifying; and it isn’t fair.
If just a splash of consistency was implemented into our daily lives, we’d all be a bit more at ease. Like that guy you’re seeing? If his intention isn’t to toss you around like a rag doll, then try introducing him to this concept of consistency; of being dependable, reliable and not a self-centered prick.
Or perhaps — who knows? — you have a favorite breakfast spot that makes blueberry white chocolate muffins every morning. Voice the importance of consistency; of not getting your hopes built up to only get them teared down. If a breakfast spot promises blueberry white chocolate muffins then they should deliver; end of story.
13. Two of each subway line — one for the city’s residents and the other for tourists.
Because for some of us, NYC isn’t a magical land that lives inside a snow globe — it’s real life and when it comes to lost, awe-struck tourists, we can’t be bothered! And imagine the fun that could be had! Everyone on the tourist subway swapping “crazy NYC” stories and travel tips; while everyone on the NYC residents subway is minding their own business and politely avoiding so much as a smirk.
14. No rapists in ANY profession.
That means all professions, INCLUDING fashion. It wouldn’t hurt to also inform potential employees of what a rapist at work might look like; to perhaps give them model Charlotte Waters’s account of her shoot with Terry Richardson where he “stuck his thumb in her mouth” and forced his penis in her. Then, we should implement a rule that said rapist not be subsequently glorified.