1. Your favorite genre of music will always be folk, and your favorite singer always Paul Simon.
Whenever you’re at a house party and a friend asks you to DJ, you put on Paul Simon. There’s a good chance you’ll even get up and break out into the Irish jig to “Kodachrome” for no other reason than that is what the music dictates. To impress your boyfriend, you like to show him how you can do the 2-person duet in “Gone At Last.” And you’ve seen Ladysmith Black Mambazo in concert like 100 times.
2. You have a hard time enjoying parties.
Your friend dragged you to a party the other night; you tried to have fun, but you couldn’t. There were just too many girls with heels too high, standing on those wobbly banquettes to concentrate. Your most-uttered line of the night was “Has anyone told them they could really hurt themselves up there?” And when you weren’t worrying about this, you were telling the girls to trim their nails.
3. Your boyfriend calls you “little man.”
At first you were slightly offended, but now you realize it’s better and frankly easier to just accept it. Whenever you go into a store to shop, you gravitate towards the slacks — it’s like a magnetic pull. You own eight pairs of loafers and you can’t remember purchasing one of them. You go into your closet to get dressed and you come out, every time, looking like Mason Disick:
4. You yell “keep it down!”
Whenever kids outside of your apartment are being rowdy, you find yourself, unthinkingly, getting up, walking over to your window and yelling “Hey! Keep it down, will ya??” You hear yourself scream this, as if removed from your body, and you don’t even recognize your own voice.
5. Cats gravitate towards you.
Wherever you are — no matter the time of day — there are always at least three stray cats following you. People in your neighborhood have started to call you Ms. Kitty. The cats even perch themselves up on the ledge by your window at night, purring in packs until you fall asleep.
6. You just adore cleaning.
The things that excite you most in life have shifted from drugs and revelry to cleaning supplies. You have the rare ability to spend an entire day looking forward to your apartment’s much-needed vacuum session and to buying a new pack of Swiffer Wet Ones. There are few things you find more worrisome than a dearth in Windex.
7. You’ve started talking like your grandma.
You’ve started saying “yoohoo!” every time you enter a room. Like the “keep it down, will ya??”, the “yoohoo!” compulsion is generally an out-of-body experience: you hear yourself saying it, you cringe, but you can’t stop.
8. Your priorities have shifted.
Oh, they’ve shifted alright, and they’re making room for a new, increasingly crucial concern in town: available seating. Every time you move locations, your first instinct upon entering the new environment is to survey the room for seats. You are a crusader for chairs, benches, couches — anything that allows you to rest your back.
9. People get up for you on the subway.
It used to just be men, out of politeness or perhaps a vague attempt to bone, who would get up on the subway for you. Now it’s everyone. Just the other day, an old lady with a walker stood up for you. You gave her the “Oh please…you sit…” look and she said you look more in need of a seat.
10. You just learned the term “thoracic vertebrae.”
It’s an area in your back that’s been causing you a lot of pain recently.
11. You dropped it low.
And never came back up to tell the tale. You figure your thoracic spine must have gone out.
12. You move and your bones crack.
There isn’t a single bone in your frail body that doesn’t crack — your ankles, knees, neck, knuckles, hips, shoulders, back. Everyone knows when you’re close by because you sound like a cacophony of nutcrackers.
13. You use outdated words and phrases.
You go into a store and you ask to see their “dungarees” section. If a friend makes a good guess, but ultimately gets it wrong, you relish saying, “Close! But no cigar!”