1. You’re MAD judicious with your likes.
Who gives out “likes” like they’re candy corn on Halloween? A loser does, that’s who. A 2014-good-for-nothing, well-mannered loser. In this new year, you can never be too not nice; reticence, a bitch attitude, and a pout go a long way.
2. You say “girl” a lot.
Greetings are EVERYTHING. “Hey” and “hello”? Over. “Hi, what’s up”? OVER. “Hello”? C’mon, you know better than that: OVER. Presently the only acceptable greeting is “hay girl.” And it’s crucial that you’re consistent and use it on everyone: from your boss and grandma, to your gynecologist and a girl you don’t even know.
3. You have a private Instagram.
Ah, the allure of the private Instagram — or “Instagram privée” if you really know what’s up. The fake-it-till-you-make-it approach. Because they had to ask your permission to see your photos, each and every one of your followers counts. And of course there’s the glaring fact that one follower of a private Instagram account equals ten followers of a public Instagram account.
4. Your smize is on point.
If you’re alive in 2014 and you don’t have a fantastic smize to your name, then why are you even living? Honestly, I’m confused.
5. You have “too many followers.”
The other day, my famous model friend said to me, “Rach, I literally have too many followers…” He was actually lamenting his popularity to me. And you know what? It was beautiful: the way in which he exuded prominence and conveyed genuine angst over his number of followers. Beautiful and, more importantly, cool.
6. You can Photoshop.
A 20- to 30-year-old who doesn’t have Photoshop skills is like a runner with no legs — impossible and frankly dangerous. To be honest, I’m not even quite sure how you’ve survived this long. How have you even been making your Drake memes? And what were you doing when everyone else in the world was pasting a photo of themselves into that epic celeb-laden Oscars selfie? Don’t let another un-Photoshopped photo pass you by…
7. You wake up like “dis.”
“Dis” being good enough to Instagram. And if you don’t wake up like “dis,” then you wake up early, while everyone’s still asleep, like Kristin Wigg did in Bridesmaids, and you paint on your face until you look like “dis.”
8. You dress like a dad.
You’re a walking ad for the new Voldemort — the trend that must not be named — that starts with an “n” and ends with an “ormcore.” You wear oversized, ill-fitting clothes and bucket hats — but the type of bucket hat you’d buy at a Ski resort souvenir shop.
9. You change your Instagram photo a lot.
Perhaps you’re wondering why this should matter, seeing as the profile picture on Instagram is so tiny. Except that’s just it: its diminutive nature is exactly what makes it matter all the more. Because what’s better than one photo that leaves people wondering what they’re looking at? That’s right: multiple photos that leave people wondering what they’re looking at.
10. Wear all of your clothes at once.
Or as I like to call this, “Apocalypse Chic.”© First The Mayans predicted it, then Dennis Quaid in The Day After Tomorrow saw it coming, and finally John Cusak in 2012 too? I mean really, how many more signs do you need? Obviously the apocalypse is nigh and the clock is ticking before our time is up to flaunt our new clothes. So put ’em all on at once — it implies you don’t blindly conform to ideal body standards and that you’re environmentally conscious too.
11. You get paid to take Instagrams photos.
Getting paid to wear designer clothes and take selfies? Can you fathom a better job? Can you fathom this at all? Let me break it down for you: it’s an intrinsic coolness that gives rise to a surplus of followers, which, IN TURN, gets the attention of young professionals who are looking for good press. Basically, getting paid for being cool is the new cool.
This is Rachel Hodin reporting to you live in 2014. You heard it here first.