1. “Of course I go to the bathroom every time I have to fart.”
“What’s that smell?” my dinner date asked me the other night, sniffing around for a culprit. Never quite sure if the smell in question is native to me, I jumped to my defense, “What? No. I mean, I don’t know, I just showered. Is it me? Did you fart?” “Of course not,” he said, “I always go to the bathroom to do that; I would never do that in a restaurant.” “Right. Yeah. Totally,” I said, utterly gobsmacked and trying my hardest to hide it.
Since then I’ve had much time to think about it and this — this nonsense — just can’t be…Perhaps if I was younger and less informed I’d be more willing to believe, but I’ve walked through far too many fart clouds to be duped this easily.
2. Dentist: Are you flossing? Us: Duh.
Flossing our teeth one out of every ten nights shouldn’t fill us with a sense of pride — it should be habitual — but the fact still remains that it does make us feel accomplished. No matter how ominous the dentist’s prophecies of imminent cavities and dentures may be, flossing will never feel natural to us. (“Adults”: you don’t count.)
3. “I’m going to drink 6 gallons of water every day, just like Jessica Alba! You’ll see!”
We all get those bursts of energy — a rush of motivation — every once in awhile, usually after reading about Nicole Kidman’s diet of bird food and water, or something like that. We tell ourselves we’re going to drink 18 glasses of water every day, just like In Touch said. And then every time, like clockwork, we are reminded again of how hard this actually is. Personally I go to great lengths to find deliciously flavored water and am now addicted to coconut water with no money to my name as a result.
4. “I never mix different alcohols.”
If I had my way, I’d drink only white russians, mimosas, and lemon gingerinis for the rest of my waking days. I’m not a good drinker; I just learned that Bourbon and whiskey aren’t two different alcohols. And I’m just a hop, skip, and a fart away from learning how to keep all my alcohol down the next morning. In short, monitoring my intake of more than one alcohol is probably the last thing on my mind (second to last if we’re counting farting in the bathroom) while I’m out drinking. And from the sounds of it — the sounds being late-night Williamsburg revelry that I hear while tucked in bed every night — I’m not the only one.
5. “Oh yeah I totally know what you’re talking about when you mention the names Ishmael and Queequeg.”
From my experience, one in every two people who claim they’ve read Moby Dick actually hasn’t. The book has been so talked about, hyped, and pushed like a Medellín drug cartel that we’re too afraid to even tackle it. At this point in our careers, toting Moby Dick around — reading it on the subway and in cafes — would be social suicide. At this point, I’d probably be fired from my job and outed as a fraud. Which is why it’s better to say you’ve read it and then drop the subject altogether. Anyway, with that new documentary about Tilikum, the killer whale at SeaWorld, scholars should be forgetting about Moby Dick in no time.
6. “Oh. What? That’s weird. I wonder why The Kardashians are recorded on my DVR because I obviously don’t watch it.”
Someone who claims to not watch reality TV should be regarded warily, for statistics suggests that a person who claims “NEVER!” when asked if they’ve seen an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is lying catastrophically. Be warned: they’re the ones who jump at the opportunity to lament television’s decline, yet camp out in their dark rooms late at night, with their computer screen bright and their eyes fixated widely on Lauren Conrad.
7. “Duh, I would never sit down on a public toilet.”
No matter the intensity of health scares, nothing will keep a butt off of a public toilet for more than three months. And I mean nothing. The truth is, while mid-squat and trying to pee, the prospect of sitting down is never not worth it. And, as in life, the truth always prevails.
8. “I always take off my makeup before going to bed. I’m just responsible like that.”
Like flossing or drinking enough water, taking our makeup off at night should be a habitual practice, but it never is. Beauty columnists talk as if they do it every night, but for the rest of us peasants, we have a raellly hard time implementing this into our teeth-brushing routine. Normally our eyes are on the prize (bed); we’re in-and-out. Once in bed, we might begin to vaguely recall that Allure piece we read about not using makeup remover and adult acne, but at that point nothing could get us out of bed. In fact the building fire alarm just went off, and yet here we still are.
9. “Oh you should’ve been there. I had a wild night!”
Tell me you had a wild night last night and my immediate reaction will be rife with suspicion. You see, I wrote the manual on staying home and not feeling bad about it — there’s no getting anything by me. The general rule goes: anyone who claims to be hungover typically spent all night actually jerking off in the tub; anyone who claims they had a “wild night” really just ordered in pizza; and each and every additional mention of said “wild night” equals a donut and/or slurpee. But that’s just the general rule.
10. Dad: Did you get my voicemail? Me: Course. I listened to it from beginning to end.
Parents LOVE a good voicemail; they can’t get enough of it. And telling them that voicemails have become obsolete is just pointless because, to them, voicemails will never be obsolete. To them, the option to “leave a message” after you missed their call is an offer they can’t refuse. It’s like being asked if you’d like a punch card at your local coffee shop: nothing to lose, and everything to gain. As their children, listening to parents’ voicemails is physically not an option and so we’ve abandoned any judgments, biases, and prejudices to unite on this one front.