1. Waking up from a night out now feels like God’s way of telling me the apocalypse is nigh. And yet, hangovers weren’t always so portentous. In college they were nothing but a sugar high. You’d wake up around 9am and would actually have enough energy to get up and grab food, perhaps even reminisce on the night’s events. Now if you wake up from a night of drinking with any surge of energy, know that it will last only for as long as it takes you to crawl your way to the bathroom and vomit.
2. In college we had cast-iron stomachs—stomachs that could take anything so long as it impaired your judgment. Back during freshman year, if low on cash, I’d go to the corner store and buy wine PRODUCT—not wine, but WINE PRODUCT. It made no difference—not even the fact that wine product tastes like actual condensed piss.
3. In college pre-gaming was a thing. We’d actually drink before the main drinking event because we were obviously intent on self-harming. It’s practically unfathomable; if someone is trying to convince me to “pre-game” now, I’m convinced they’re trying to kill me.
4. A hangover cure in college was a single Potbellys sandwich. Now you’re forced to dish out your life savings on coconut water just to feel a semblance of normalcy.
5. In college, the sole purpose of every night was to get drunk. That was the main event; everyone’s one and only objective. It’s worlds apart from our 20-something lives now as acclimated and well-adjusted humans who tend to go out with an activity other than drinking in mind—for dinner, say, or a show.
6. In college we could use being drunk as an excuse for just about anything and not only would it work, but most guys would think it was cute too. Now, getting hammered apparently isn’t cute anymore, or so my parents like to tell me.
7. The headaches us 20-somethings get now after a night of drinking just feel more…lethal than the hangover-induced headaches we got in college. Now it’s less of a minor pain and more of a blinding, crippling throb that I imagine precedes aneurisms.
8. As a 20-something I can’t even remember the last time I made it out of bed to vomit. Such aspirations are now suddenly unrealistic and downright unfeasible. Sprightly college students: take this as a warning.
9. In college we would drink jungle juice that was mixed with noxious and physically harmful substances. Now I’ll just have what your grandpa is having.
10. I have tried, and I can say in full confidence that getting blackout is a physical impossibility as a 20-something. As soon as you think you’re headed to blackout city, your own body will do a complete 180 on you and shoot out toxins from all orifices on your body in a triumphant stop-trying-to-kill-me kind-of-way.