1. Your Mom.
Every year Valentine’s Day comes and every year, as if by default, my mom ends up being my Valentine. I tend to get wrapped up in the romance of Valentine’s Day and, as a result, trick myself into thinking those aren’t the same chocolates I get every year from my mom, but a gift from a secret admirer. I might take a quick peek at the card, mutter “mooooooommmm” and then, when my coworkers ask, be all, “Oh my god I don’t know! There’s no name! It must be a secret crush.” Then I’ll go home and thank my mom profusely as I realize she’s the only one left willing to put up with me and it might not even last for much longer.
2. The baristas at your coffee shop.
How could they not love you? You practically keep their business afloat, buying those blueberry white chocolate chip muffins every morning of every day. Sure, their love for you might be rooted in a deep well of pity, but now’s not the time to be picky.
3. Your dog.
It’s amazing how wonderful and caring dogs are and for no other reason than the simple fact that you poured it a bowl of dry, poop-colored kibble this morning. Then again, you’ll be picking up its shit in an hour so it kind of evens out.
4. Your neck and/or your TMJ.
This year you might have one less date, but consider the silver linings: you’ll also have to give one less blow-job. Which means a night of respite for your TMJ-riddled jaw and a night of solace for your neck and back muscles.
You’re devoted to it; it’s devoted to you. You’re their best customer and a fully dedicated lover. Likewise, it composes lists of movies—romantic and otherwise—that it thinks would be perfect for you, and only you. It’s one of the most no-fuss, committed and stable relationships you’ll come to have.
6. Your sweatpants.
Every time you put those babies on they’re SURE it’s their last ride with you. And every day you continue to surprise them; you throw them on your couch in such a way that you’ll fall right into them upon your return home, giving them an extra glimmer of hope. And for that, they love you.
7. A skanky-ass ho (as it were).
Beyond the depths of your duvet, somewhere out there deep in the ether lives a skanky -ass ho. It must be said: I hate slut-shaming, but this ho is a singular ho, an anomaly because she has taken your sloppy seconds and now dates your ex. And said ho—well, she loves you, if for no other reason than the fact that you finally gave her a Valentine’s Day date this year.
They’re the perfect lover. They bend to your needs and cater their every move to you—click on them and they might gyrate, open a new window and they might stop. They’re fluffy, they’re doge-y, and they’re here to make you smile.
9. Your drug dealer.
Because he thought it was going to be a slow night tonight and you proved him wrong. Because your devotion is unshakeable and because you always let him use your bathroom.
10. Tyrese Gibson.
In this video.
11. Your boss.
Because you’ll be staying late this Friday, stalling until you’re forced to go home alone to your boyfriend-less life. But in the meantime you’ll actually get a lot of work done.
12. Your neighbors.
They didn’t always love you, but it’s Valentine’s Day and instead of blasting angry music you’re silently weeping to yourself. And so—for now, at least—they love you.