1. If it’s 8am…
…and you’re already Tindering on the toilet, then I think we can all agree tonight is not your night.
2. You just checked your bank account…
…and, yeah! That’s pretty much it! The ensuing shock might be enough to keep you home for the next 12 weeks.
3. It’s your friend’s birthday and you like her…
But there are these pink leopard-printed pajama pants you own and you kind of like them better.
4. You hear there’s a 2 for 1 pizza pie deal on Seamless tonight.
“Hear” being the decisive word here. Because on your way to work you overheard two people either talking about this Seamless deal or something about Catniss from The Hunger Games. You figure you’ll stay in and find out for yourself.
5. Your bedtime has dropped significantly this past year.
And accordingly, you didn’t get to watch all the shows you recorded last night.
6. You do—you like getting drunk and sloppy.
But know what you like more? Your brain cells.
7. You’re beholden.
Specifically, to the rolodex of people who are waiting patiently for you to make your move in Words With Friends. And frankly it would be irresponsible to let them down.
8. You changed your sheets.
But most importantly, you changed your duvet cover. And, that being the most laborious household chore one can do, you will revel in your clean sheets for the entire night.
9. You’re out of toilet paper…
…and you couldn’t even pick that up on your way home from work. You’re not even really qualified to go out; you and your couch deserve each other.
10. This is your last day to heat up and eat your homemade lasagna…
without catching Montezuma’s Revenge.
11. You’ve thought long and hard about it…
And, well, you just don’t really like anyone. At least not more than your Tempur-Pedic pillow.
12. You’re home.
And your pants and bra are already off.
13. You need to file your taxes.
And if last year is any indication, it should take around 12 hours to 12 years.
14. You have danced to Madonna’s “Lucky Star”…
…in front of a mirror in the past 3 weeks.
15. If the ratio of greek yogurt to gelato in your fridge…
16. If you’ve masturbated in the past week…
…with something other than a dildo or vibrator. In this case, you really have no one to blame but yourself.
17. It’s Monday.
And you’re a living, breathing human.
18. You checked…
…and it’s interesting. You see, you just don’t care.