1. Drink a cup of coffee and you’ll feel like a born-again tabula rasa. Let the coffee awaken your colon like a deafeningly loud cuckoo clock. It’s a healthy reminder that your colon is still alive, easily swayed by the jolt of caffeine, and that you are therefore still young.
2. Watch stuff in HD. Because it’s just not the GREATEST feeling when you experience, in real time, a languishing eyesight. Do what I do and buy a gratuitously large HD TV — it’s like you don’t even need glasses anymore!
3. Bring back sanitary pads. Ah, pads…like the sweet aroma of 8th grade tears and anguish. You probably haven’t used one in awhile, but go ahead — try one on for size. Ladies, don’t you just feel like you’re back in 8th grade, being rejected because your hand jobs are “too weak”? Feels good, doesn’t it?
4. Nothing says sophomore-year-of-college-and-home-for-break like showing up stoned to an important family dinner. So go ahead and take that pre-dinner smoke sesh. You’ll show up late, eyes blood-shot, and exceedingly lethargic; your parents will be visibly disappointed in you, seeming to lose hope in your capabilities and future by the minute…It’ll feel just like your 21st birthday!
5. Merely glancing at a tax form is enough to revert you back to infant-level maturity. You’ll feel like you’re back in geometry, trying to figure out how in the hell you’re supposed to write a proof. Weeping will ensue, as will a clamorous shriek of “Mommmyyyyyyy!!” And sadly, they won’t abate until your mom has procured your tax forms.
6. Tetris…and I say this with the utmost sincerity. Tetris will, firstly, transport you back to a time of dial-tone and buddy lists with categories. But it will also, and perhaps most importantly, give you an opportunity to slaughter a video game — something that’s suspiciously hard to do now with the constant influx of bird-related video games that you have to be 16 months or younger to navigate.
7. Feeling down ever since you moved out of your parents’ place and came to the grim realization that home-cooked food doesn’t just magically appear in the fridge? It’s cool — just leave your front door unlocked and a gum drop trail to your apartment door with signs like “KEEP GOING – unlocked apartment ready to be robbed up ahead” along the way. Stay in bed, take note of your reaction when the thief breaks in, and you’ll notice there isn’t a freckle of you that’s prepared for such a situation. You’ll feel helpless, vulnerable and, most importantly, 12 years old again.
8. Pursue a career in writing. When you finally get your first paid writing gig, open up your paycheck and take a long hard gander. It’s like you’re back in high school babysitting the neighbor’s dog again! As if no time has passed!
9. Peruse the Williams-Sonoma catalog. Better yet, if you’re up for it, just take a trip uptown to visit the store. Almost instantaneously, you’ll regress back to a 7-year-old state of utter boredom. You’ll venture off on your own with the sole aim to find samples — any sample! You’ll get lost and begin to feel faint amidst the cacophony of strange words being uttered — chair pads, trivets, decanters…You’ll hang on to your mom’s coat, whining and asking her to leave until she’s like, “You know you can leave whenever, right? You have your own apartment; I didn’t even ask you to come with me,” and you gracefully bow out.
10. Taking a vacation with your parents. They’ll pay for it and even pay for a car to drive you all to the airport. If you try really really hard, you can almost pretend you’re not as poor as any old peasant.
11. A truly singular sensation, chapped nipples will have you screaming for your mommy like nothing else. You could apply Vaseline to them yourself, but you’re writhing in pain, everything has gone blurry, and suddenly you want nothing more than to have your mom apply it for you. And it does, it feels good — like the golden days when she used to wipe your ass.
12. Being asked to find the elusive “routing number” on a check is to 25-year-olds as baking a panna cotta is to a 3-year-old. That is to say, supremely difficult and discouraging.
13. Unlike glasses of wine, sake bombs are the one type of alcoholic beverage that have remained unwavering in their devotion to your obliteration and next-day hangovers. You’ll wake up and say, “I remember nothing,” with a huge smile of pride and nostalgia stretching across your face.
14. Receiving a bill will surely conjure up memories of your childhood, when you watched your parents sift through their bills. The idea that these bills could possibly be for you won’t even cross your mind; instead, you’ll tackle it as you would a game of Monopoly.