1. A GRE study book.
Nothing quite says betrayal like a friend who has that 27 lb. study guide chilling conspicuously in her apartment. Frankly I’m confused as to what you’re trying to communicate. Would you like a standing ovation?
A tip: if you are going to take that plunge and start studying for the GREs, do your friends a favor and toss the book in your closet for the rare times they come over. No one wants to see that thing.
2. Audrey Hepburn photos.
Shame on you. I find absolutely nothing to be so ominous and portentous as this. It’s truly indicative of a skewed set of priorities and a gaping hole where her brain should be. Are you saying it’s NOT okay that my nails are chipped? Are you trying to tell me to shave my armpits? Because I don’t appreciate the passivity.
3. Throw pillows that bear cheesy phrases.
Again, it’s your motives that concern me most. Do you plan to live by these maxims? Preach them to others? Moreover, are you aware that buying them at Bed Bath and Beyond means that an actual Bed Bath & Beyond employee thought up these phrases?
4. Those Andy Warhol posters.
Part of me would rather you just have an Audrey Hepburn shrine and call it a day. At least you’d be embracing your lack of culture. The Andy Warhol posters are for girls who are still trying to become dirty hipsters, despite being tragically uptight and taking over a year to finish Patti Smith’s Just Kids.
5. An Xbox.
Girl, what the fuck? Us women need to stick together; it’s call solidarity.
6. No sweatpants.
Is ANYTHING you say genuine? Are you Regina George? How about human, ARE YOU HUMAN? I imagine feeling really insecure around a girl who doesn’t own any sweatpants. Plus, we probably don’t even have any of the same interests anyway. I bet she doesn’t even wash her hair with baby powder.
7. No alcohol or weed.
May as well just have a banner hanging over your front entrance that reads “I can’t be trusted.”
8. Your bat mitzvah certificate hanging on your wall.
It’s one thing if you have this hanging in the room in your parents’ house, but quite a different thing if it’s hanging in your own, personal adult home. It’s like the home decor equivalent of still having your High School extracurriculars on your resume. Have you accomplished nothing since you turned 13?
9. No fiction.
A lady who doesn’t own any works of fiction may as well be from Mars. Even worse is if she has a large book collection and STILL no fiction. Nonfiction teaches us information. Fiction gives us intellect.
10. A TV hung up on the wall.
Oh, no, sorry…Just saw the TV and for a second I thought you must be my dad.
11. Framed sorority collages.
You know what I’m talking about. Those wooden frames that all connect into one giant hanging collage, with Greek letters interspersed without. Don’t front; you KNOW what I’m talking about.
I have tremendous respect for women who were in sororities in college and have since realized the absurdity of it all. Like this writer at Into The Gloss. I feel we’d get alone. Conversely, if you’re 4 years out of college and still repping your sisters and your Greek letters, then I probably find you offensive.
12. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
Ya better believe it. If not, the diarrhea might convince you. I understand that this stuff can be highly addictive, but if you’re 25 and this stuff is still in your fridge, then you should really consider re-evaluating your life.
13. A rotting, dusty dildo under the bed.
Let’s make one thing clear: Yes, this is a red flag; no, this does not mean we can’t be friends. In fact, it might even be the thing that solidifies our friendship. Though it also must be said that finding a dusty dildo under your bed is still grounds for an intervention.
14. An action figure of herself.
Such an item connotes an inflated sense of self-worth, something I neither applaud nor look for in friends.