1. The “Here we go again!” caption.
You’re not a true fashion week goer unless you complain about your show-filled busy days, the droves of models you have to elbow your way through, or your lack of sleep because you were invited to after-parties. Never, and I mean NEVER, participate in fashion week with a jovial temperament unless you want to be stepped on by fashion blogger Susie Bubble.
To fit in, you must Instagram a selfie—a hurried-looking selfie, taken in a cab because traipsing from show to show is the only free time you have to snap these selfies. The lighting should be subdued, the outside streets blurry, and either your shoes or your accessories should be on display. Top off the Instagram with this caption, “Ugh, here we go again! #NYFW” and even if you don’t know diddlysquat about fashion, you’ll appear to be a vet. An example:
2. Take a photo with a rapper.
NYFW is characteristically more “street” than any of the other fashion weeks. Rappers play a pretty big role in NYFW, whether they’re inspiring designers or collaborating with them. Which is why it’s imperative that you secure a photo with at least one rapper. Bold-faced names like Cam’ron, ASAP Rocky, Pharrell, and Pusha T will all work.
3. Find out about cool parties; ask friends, “Are you going?”
What if I said that you didn’t have to worry about getting into parties, that merely knowing about parties is an unmatched advantage? Yeah that’s right. So quit worrying you won’t get in because your nose isn’t pierced enough or your lacking in logos. All you have to do is find out about these parties and then ask all of your friends if they’re going. This will give off the impression that you were invited, even if you weren’t.
4. Roll with a posse.
Find yourself a cohort and stick together. A couple of bosom buddies, if you will. Exist with the attitude: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Liken yourself to the ASAP crew and act elitist. Make outlandish statements like, “Dude I swear I started the ripped jeans trend. All the rappers started wearing it after they saw me.”
For those with few friends: I feel you. And I got a solution for you too. Rent a couple of homeless men. I can assure you they’ll be eager to have a destination—any destination that isn’t a stoop—not to mention one with indoor heating. Also, it’s like they’re always one step ahead of the game. How did they know mis-matched rags and holey clothes would be in?
5. Get your photo taken.
There’s The Cut, Fashionista, Style.come, Vogue.com—the choices when it comes to street style photography are endless. Which means you have no excuse not to grab the attention of at least one of them.
Protip: a photographer should be able to tell the brand you’re wearing from ¼ mile away. If they can’t, don’t even bother leaving your home.
6. Quick fixes to fitting in:
When in doubt, do one of these things:
- Get your septum pierced.
- Asian buns.
- Wear something with profanity written on it like “I’m not fucking here to talk” or “pussy.”
7. Try and get that ass to a showroom.
Sure, this isn’t the easiest task, but if you can get yourself just ONE showroom geo-tag, you’re gold.
8. Get fucking nail art (and make it good).
Fashion week isn’t the time to experiment with the tribal motif. It’s the time to put on your thinking cap and get some real nail art. Those babies won’t paint themselves.
9. Thank a designer for lending you an outfit.
The aim here is to make it known that you’re not shitting around (hence the designer mention/@), that you are indeed wearing a Prada dress lent to you by Miuccia, a dress which you’re thankful for, but not in an embarrassing-peasant-overly-enthusiastic kind-of-way.
10. Wear logos.
Remember when I mentioned logos and how you might be concerned about gaining entry into an elite NYFW after-party if you’re lacking in them? That wasn’t just a filler—I don’t bring up just any old trend unless it’s relevant. And logos are fucking relevant.
If you were to come to NYC now, unaware that it’s New York Fashion Week, you’d probably assume it was some Nazi-occupied city, except instead of making all the Jews differentiate themselves with stars, it’s the self-aware hip kids using the Kenzo tiger sweater to differentiate themselves from mere humans. If logos were The Vatican, then the Kenzo tiger sweater would be Pope Benedict: kinda gay, yet still worshipped, and a street photographer’s dream.
11. Find funny winter gear.
And by “funny” I of course mean funny looking. Something like Timberland heels or Louboutin rain boots.
But even more important than that is to dispose of your repugnant rain gear. For instance, you’re going to want to take that Burberry raincoat of yours, drive due east until you hit the river, and then chuck it over the partition.
12. Walk around with a purpose.
Sashay about like you got somewhere to go, and somewhere to go now. Never speed up your pace if that means too-rosy cheeks or excess snot. Even if you just circle the block you live on, do it with purpose. Remember: only YOU know there’s a snuggie under that trench.
13. If all else fails, wear a face mask.
Like the one below—y’know, the kind that might give you a rash, and not the kind that’s good for your skin.
You might lose your eyesight for a bit, but who needs to see when you’re already being seen? I rest my case.